The Catholic church is preparing to make a major announcement concerning changes to their view on sexual behavior.
After years of frowning upon, and causing many young Catholics to experience immense guilt, they are now ready to endorse masturbation for their male followers.
It unfortunately still won’t be an option for the females and this is due to the internal discussions that have been held over the last few months related to the change.
We posed several questions to the priest who has been charged with rolling this change out to both his fellow clerics and to the general population of followers, Fr. Richard Glowbob.
Our first question for Fr. Glowbob was of course, why only males and not females too.
“We created two different pamphlets that outlined how to masturbate, when to masturbate, and how often to masturbate. These are really high quality materials that contain very descriptive explanations of the process and many actual photos to outline the various techniques. We found in our study group with priests from various areas of the country, that the female version of the pamphlet did not go over well.”
“Comments that we received indicated that descriptions of the process for females many of our priests found disturbing, and the actual pictures seemed to really revolt some of them. Which is really surprising when you look at how well they embraced the male subjects organs,” stated Fr. Glowbob.
Fr. Glowbob also said, “During the campaign to roll this out, we are calling it the ‘Rub One Out For Jesus’ program, we will be distributing copies of the male pamphlet to those who request them. We have already been overrun with requests for early copies of it by many of our cleric. In fact, you would think the mail room was spending all their time using them instead of mailing them with how backed up we are.”
We also asked Fr. Glowbob how he felt this would go over with the other major religions.
“Every religion has their own set of moral beliefs. We have always been publicly against the idea of masturbation, but we feel it’s time to update that thought. The protestants we know have been masturbating for a very long time. And the Mormons, although they still frown upon it, well, I’ve been to the interfaith conferences and I can tell you, they do it, in fact you would think they invented it!” said Fr. Glowbob.
The church hopes to have this information in your hands before the Christmas Holiday this year. Fr. Glowbob also mentioned that several of the priests had asked about assisting the younger members of their church who might need assistance in following the pamphlet. This is going to be left to a case by case decision and there will be no formal policy.
So for those of you who have been holding back all this time, Christmas is cuming a little early this year!
The Church always has encouraged ejaculations. The nuns had us doing thousands for our mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s nice to see they approve the process now as well. I can’t wait to have my teen son go to our parish priest to be taught the correct way to do it.
Better than their current plan of endorsing male-only sex abuse.