New York, NY – GlossyNews.com – “DEMONS OF VOLATILITY, COME OUT!”
So declaimed the Rev. Buster Shillerberg yesterday afternoon on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange. The diminutive Reverend Shillerberg spoke in loud oracular tones that rolled like thunder over a bemused crowd of well-dressed Wall Street types watching from the sidewalk.
“DEMONS OF SELL-OFFS. DEMONS OF SHORT-SELLING. DEMONS OF PUT OPTIONS. DEMONS OF SHEEP-LIKE PANIC OVER GREEK DEBT, OVER THE EURO, OVER THE GULF OIL SPILL… I COMMAND YOU TO COME OUT!”
Short stubby arms stabbed the air as the Rev. Shillerberg, head of the 35,000-member Salvation Smorgasbord Congregation in Northern Georgia, finished off his exorcism with an ominous warning. “And by the way, Satan, you kin keep yer damn hands off my IPO!”
At which point a bespectacled man with a briefcase in the crowd called out, “Tell’m that goes for Ford $20 one-year calls, if you don’t mind!” Mild laughter from the crowd and then another Master of the Universe piped up, “Hey, Josh, that’s trading at $3.70, good luck with that!”
But Reverend Shillerberg looked unmoved regarding any news about Ford Motor stock movements, his mind no doubt focused on his own upcoming IPO — initial public offering. Yes, Salvation Smogasbord is going public next Thursday.
A Glossy News reporter called out a question, “Could the upcoming IPO have anything to do with the Reverend’s decision to cast the devil out of the stock market today?” Reverend Shillerberg indignantly denied it.
“Son, I did this for the good of you-all,” he said in a buttery-soft Georgia twang. “Anybody who has watched the stock market swing up and down over the past month like a crack-smokin’ monkey on a rubber band can see the michief the devil is makin’. GET BEHIND ME, SATAN, that’s my message. YOU HAVE NO POWER IN THIS HERE STOCK EXCHANGE BUILDING FROM HENCEFORWARD. Somebody should have cleansed this here Stock Exchange a long time ago, if you ask me, just like Jesus Hisself did the Temple.”
When reminded that, unlike him, Jesus was not planning an IPO when he cleansed the Temple, Reverend Shillerberg merely shruged “That is true. But then, if I was Jesus, I wouldn’t need a IPO, now would I?”