The mother Church of Christendom was roiled this week by excerpts from a new book by Pope Benedict LVMCIII. The book, “Because I said So” has stirred controversy due to several passages wherein the Pontiff clarifies condom use.
Somewhere in chapter XVII of the lengthy tome, Benedict writes the following:
“There is no reason for homosexuals not to use condoms. It’s crazy they ever thought God didn’t want them to use condoms. Guy who had this job before me, not sharp on details, and left the office in a mess, that’s all I’m sayin’ on that? So about these homosexuals?
“What they use their pee-pees for, isn’t likely pregnancy will occur. That’s just basic science. While I understand the Church has been labeled anti-science merely because some astronomers got burned at the stake long ago, we’re really not like that. We totally accept that homosexuals can’t get each other pregnant, so there’s really no reason they shouldn’t use condoms during their filthy assignations.”
The seemingly innocuous writings of the Holy Father have reaped a whirlwind of dissent throughout Catholicism.
Said Baltimore parishioner Kristin Klavan, “There they go again, treating gays with extra privileges.” Mrs. Klavan went on to detail some of the confusion and anger caused by the new stance from Pope Benedict LXXMV.
“In many marriages, the pee-pee doesn’t always go in the regular place every time. Are we heterosexuals allowed to use condoms during those times? Why does everything have to be so complicated?”
Amid the controversy, other voices in the Catholic Church were less concerned about the ins and outs of condom etiquette. Father Luther Martin of the shadowy Opus Dei group was quick to dismiss the issue. “Here at Opus Dei, we don’t care much about rubbers. We’re mostly concerned with hiding that stuff about Jesus being married. And killing that Dan Brown guy of course. Killing Tom Hanks, that’d be really cool II.”