Historians: Brigham Young May Have Been Black, Hams Rejoice

Historians have discovered that Brigham Young, the second Prophet and President of the LDS (Mormon) Church was actually black. Dr. Hyrum Kimball at Northern Utah State University revealed his controversial findings at a symposium of Mormon History marking the 180th anniversary of the founding of the LDS Church.

“These findings have been verified through DNA checking of samples of blood and hair that were within the Mormon archives. We also exhumed the body when the results were known to make sure that samples had not been switched or contaminated in any way. The testing was confirmed by three separate labs.”

Western historians have long questioned the true words uttered when Young first brought the Mormon Pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley in Utah on July 24th, 1847. While there is a famous “This is the Place” monument, some journals record that Young actually said “Dis Bee’s Da Place.” Confirmation of Young’s race gives greater credence to the second statement.

It is unsubstantiated by any second source material that Young then asked “Where be da welfare office?”

The new findings also bring into question Young’s famous remarks on his wagon train. Instead of calling out “Wagon’s Ho” each morning, scholars are now wondering if he didn’t yell at the “Ho Wagons.” They think that this may also give new meaning to the “ho downs” that were held on the trail bringing the wagon trains and handcart companies to Utah.

There is now rampant speculation that Young did not only lead the Mormon Pioneers west to escape religious persecution; he may also have come to Utah to escape slavery.

Kimball also stated that “this may explain why Young felt he needed 27 wives, who he often called my bitches, to maintain the lifestyle he’d had while back east.”

“One of those wives, Ida Mae Jefferson Young, also made a statement that could have been interpreted incorrectly. Since his death, Young has been referred to in Mormon history as The Lion of the Lord. Ida Mae said in one public address Lord Almighty, My Man been lyin’ again.”

The last living descendants of Brigham Young, Cool Doggie Style Young and Shemequa Johnson, could not be reached for comment as they were at their ACORN jobs recruiting minority voters.

This announcement was met with mixed reactions at Brigham Young University. Many of the students questioned whether or not they would have to play Grambling University in football and if they had to start eating fried chicken and watermelon in the Wilkinson Center. White recruits in basketball also wondered whether or not they could retain their scholarships and if they were allowed to jump.

Author: Cletus Broken Feather

Cletus Broken Feather is the "Redneck Injun." He's too busy cowtipping Hereford Whitefaces to take the time to write an autobiography. Cletus calls himself "The Redneck Injun" instead of the "Redneck Redskin" cuz he ain't much of a Redskin fan. He admits a likin' for the Cowboys in the NFL, even though that don't seem to be natural.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.