Tallahatchie County DA Kirk Shatner gazes into the distance when pressed on his crusade against the Jehovah Witness organization. “Oh yeah, I know what some people say. That I’m picking on an unpopular minority in blatant appeal to the fundamental Christian voting bloc for my Lieutenant Governor bid. It ain’t nothing like that. This is about perjury, plain and simple. Perjury is a serious crime.”
The Tallahatchie DA spoke candidly on his grievance against the well-known religious group. While the probe has so far cost millions, in a county suffering from unemployment, meth, and bankruptcies, Shatner was unapologetic about his prosecutorial choices.
“They say you can’t get no blood transfusion, all right? That’s what this is all about. Perjury, plain and simple. God wouldn’t allow humans to learn how to give life-saving blood transfusions, if we weren’t supposed to do them, right? I’m all for freedom of religion, but these people claim to be witnesses and they’re committing perjury, so I will prosecute.”
After a brief interruption while he tried to contact Chuck Norris for an endorsement of his Lieutenant Governor bid, Shatner continued. “I’m gonna run these perjurers to ground, you just hide somewhere and watch, you fancy media folks with your ‘I’m from Glossy News’ and such. Here in Alabama, we don’t cotton to big city smug. Hell, we don’t even like people from Birmingham!
“You fire away and write a story making fun of me. Ain’t nobody around here gonna read it, so what do I care? As Lieutenant Governor, excuse me, as District Attorney? I will never rest while perfidy, calumny, trollops and blackguards feel free to exercise their libertine evilness with joyous, sweaty abandon.”
Kirk Shatner gave your Glossy News reporter several bumper stickers, while again asserting his prosecutorial crusade has nothing to do with pandering to the religious right. “Hell no it ain’t about election year politics! This thing is bigger than Rosie O’Donnell’s butt! When people find out what those Jehovah Witnesses have really been up to, everybody will be shocked. Shirley Temple’s panties son! You think I’m playing here? I done got seven Jehovah Witnesses in the witness protection program.”