BAYNARD’S BOTTOM, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — A retired Methodist Minister claims that the Bible which supposedly depicts the history of our planet since the time God created it and everything in it was really written about another planet.
He claims that astronomers have recently discovered a planet that is almost identical to Earth, but that planet lies over a trillion light years away and is therefore making it difficult to prove his theory. Even more puzzling is how their history got to this planet, leading to one of the largest celestial mix-ups of our time.
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Rev. Jerry Falsewell claims he discovered the mix-up while reading the book of Hosea in the Old Testament of the Bible. “There were names of kings in there that were strikingly similar to the kinds of names found on the original Star Trek television series. Obviously Gene Roddenberry knew about this long before I caught on, but then as I read Hosea and watched Star Trek simultaneously, it all began to make sense,” said Falsewell.
“One name in particular stuck out in my mind—Jeroboam—which I believe was a character on one of the Star Trek episodes. Took place in a desert somewhere that looked so much different than the deserts of Earth. I supposed it is from there I really began to believe my own beliefs,” continued Falsewell.
“Oh, and the fact that Hosea was told to marry a woman named Gomer. I went back to the old Andy Griffith Show and realized that was a reference to this other planet as well. I mean you know how Gomer was always screwing up on his spin off Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C., which I later determined was a secret acronym for Unusually Similar Metaphorical Cosmos. It all was starting to become increasingly clear,” said Falsewell.
Asked what he believes the other planet is called, Falsewell claims it is similar to the name Seinfeld, but he only can assume that due to the fact that the character on that show, Kramer’s real name just happens to be Cosmos, and that is just too much of a coincidence to pass up.
So if our Bible is really the Bible of Seinfeld, we asked Rev. Falsewell if there is any book that we should have been studying in place of the Bible of Seinfeld, and he didn’t have a distinct answer to that. “Well, there was Homer’s Iliad and the Odyssey, but that was written back in the days of the Greeks who really didn’t have much of a clue when it came to real theology. They were more interested in philosophy. I’m gonna have to get back to you on that.”