ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) –

The Intergalactic Play Nice Force has decided to abandon Earth operations, so said District Superintendent Greg Gort today.

“The IPNF really has no interest here anymore. It’s a wind-down, could take three Earth years at the outside. Bureaucracy is a constant in the Universe. We’ll run the funding out on the Venus base, and besides, I’ve got staff members who are only flreg parsecs from full retirement. The IPNF takes care of brother officers. Come to think of it, some of my staff comes from Regulon IV, and they’re a tri-sexual species, so maybe ‘brother’ officer isn’t technically correct. But that’s not important. Main thing is, no more mysterious lights, no more cattle mutilations, and no more crop circles. And I owe you an apology on the crop circles. We were just messin’ with you there.”

The IPNF District Superintendent detailed the process by which Earth was disqualified from further monitoring. According to his Power Point presentation, the Interplanetary Council gets reports every flreg. From these many reports, some monitored planets are placed on “Un-watch watch list.” After glavan successive parsecs, planets on the list go to “Cease monitoring” status, where Earth is at this time.

“Einstein, Newton, that Curie woman, promising stuff there. I could name a handful more. They were just genetic freaks. We know that now. The rest of you are the laughingstock of the galaxy.”

Gort demonstrated with the joke, “How many Earthlings does it take to reverse polarity in anti-matter concentrators?” The District Superintendent declined to give the punch line, but assured our planet it’s not flattering.

“I admit our exit will leave a hole in the lives of some rural humanoids. We’ve always concentrated our abduction program on them, since they lack credibility. But they’ll get by. Not my problem really.”

On questioning, IPNF leader Gort took exception to some accounts of alien abduction. “This whole ‘anal probe’ thing? That’s always annoyed me. That’s likely what happens when suppressed homoerotic fantasies are awakened by mixing Cuervo and Jack Daniels. We’re an elite intergalactic peace keeping force; we’re not space Proctologists. Although I’ll admit, those tri-sexuals are a randy lot at times, so you never know.”

As usual, officials from the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations had nothing to say on the matter and denied any knowledge of extraterrestrials and the whole ‘probe’ thing, stating that it was probably just a weather balloon.