Categorized | Religionism

Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”

Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”

Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than eight dollars each for their souls not two months before his arrival.

With Bible in tow, Christian Missionary, Jonah Thompson, was found standing in the soulless remains of a pygmy tribe outside of Ecuador, watching what looked like normal tribe activity such as people coming and going, children playing and toothless old men smoking.

“Every time I try to approach one of these soulless creatures they put up their hand and shake their head,” said a clearly frustrated Thompson. “I didn’t understand it at first until the tribal leader showed me a stack of signed model release forms. At the bottom of each one was a clause labeled, “Soul Assignment,” and it apparently transfers the rights they or anyone else has to their souls for the next 75 years. Whether I can sit here with nothing to do and listen to their terrible music for another 6 months is to be seen…”

About that time, the resident tribe musician began to plunk on a handmade instrument and sing in a horrific off-key tone, sending monkeys in trees a mile away scurrying for cover…

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2 Responses to “Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved””

  1. Jenna says:

    I’m very concerned that the person(s) who attained those signatures on those release forms might use the pygmys images in Religious advertising. Would this negate the contract and then return the soul to it’s original owner or would the soul then be a free agent?

    Oh, the can of ponderable worms this opened for me…..

  2. As a Reverend, I can assure you that any souls that re-enter the marketplace will be snapped up by the highest bidder which, traditionally, has been Satan. We call the non contracted period an ‘open period’ where the soul wanders but cannot be reunited with its original owner (host), due to the fact that they have lost their ‘option’ to the soul.

    They could however, be purchased and ‘saved’ by an intermediary who can either reserve an option or use up the soul according to their own whims.

    A lot of people get mixed up in the transfer of their soul and end up losing it forever or a long period of time. My suggestion, if you find yourself in this situation, is either get a lawyer who is experienced in the trade laws of the underworld, or go on a binge with sex, drugs and alcohol and try to forget you ever had a soul in the first place. Many celebrities choose the second option after selling their souls for fame and fortune….

    ~Rev Mike

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