Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings.
Harris, a tattooed and tough-talking fishing boat captain whose exploits were captured on the popular television show “Deadliest Catch,” suffered a stroke in late January while in port at St. Paul Island, Alaska, off-loading the fishing vessel he ran. And yet, the cause of his blood clot has raised suspicion with forensic investigators. His death, say researchers, provides further evidence to support the overwhelming conclusion they have drawn in their paper.
Regis Ketamine, who spearheads the Berkeley project, said, “It may seem hasty, since we’re still finalizing the document, but our studies consistently point to a single truth: all U.S. citizens need to stay the hell away from Alaska. It’s full of monsters.”
Ketamine cites numerous cases of inexplicable and violent demises unique to the region. “More than the otherworldly circumstances surrounding these deaths,” he said, “it’s the similarities that concern us.” To illustrate his point, Ketamine described two such situations in the abstract of his report.
“Into the Wild” is about Christopher McCandless’ journey into self-discovery amid the Alaskan wilderness. Along the way, he encounters a series of characters that shape his life. He is found dead, starved to death, drained if you will, next to the derelict bus where he had taken up shelter.
“30 Days of Night” details Eben Oleman’s journey into self-discovery amid the Alaskan wilderness. Along the way, he encounters a series of characters that shape his life. His townspeople are attacked and eaten, drained if you will, by a hoard of marauding vampires who find that 30 sunless days in Barrow set the perfect scene for an uninterrupted blood orgy.
“Into the Wild” postulates how McCandless died, but never resolves the question entirely. He had a rifle, smarts and plenty of moxie (spunk, not soda pop); what could have happened? There were no witnesses. We believe investigators should have checked his neck for bite marks. As we learn in “30 days of Night,” through the testimony of a survivor, shooting the undead achieves nothing; they must be decapitated. It’s a lesson McCandless learned too late.
Per Ketamine’s findings, some hope for a solution existed, interestingly enough, with former vice presidential candidate and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.
Palin is a staunch lifetime member of the Wasilla Assembly of God Church. Draconian as the church might appear, noted Kenyan witch hunter Thomas Muthee oversees this congregation as a sort of modern-day Van Helsing. Palin belonged to a select group of members who received a special consecration from Muthee that protects them against witchcraft. As one of the “chosen blessed,” she can be identified by unique forms of stigmata, which appear as phrases and random words on the palms of her hands. We know that she regularly used her gifts to hunt werewolves roaming the wilds of Alaska. To optimize her power, she patrolled the areas from an airplane and fire upon her prey from above. It is impossible to tell how many people her actions saved, as these lycanthropes had begun moving closer to residential sites. Now that she has ostensibly retired from political life, Alaska is no longer a “safe zone.” We urge all people to avoid this area until 2012, when Palin will either run for office with Rick Perry or usher in the destruction of the world as prophesied by ancient Aztec writings.