Oral Roberts Moves to Heaven in 3-Way Yankees/Phillies Trade

Tulsa — Granville Oral Roberts was traded to heaven in a reported three-way deal with the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies, one of whom reportedly stated after the World Series, “I’d sell my soul to play for the Yankees.”

Some are claiming God may have violated the terms of an ill-fated 1986 agreement in which Roberts would be claimed on waivers to heaven if he didn’t raise $8 million for missionary work and convert souls at a .280 average or better.

Sources close to God have reported that Roberts filed suit against God for breach of contract when, after raising $9.1 million and converting a first-round hall of fame class 448,000 souls to Christianity, He closed the medical center and stopped accepting donation.

Representatives for both parties concur they were able to reach an undisclosed out-of-court settlement, which experts speculate could run in the 6-figures of years in pergatory.

God’s calling home of Roberts at this juncture is seen by many as a questionable act, given Roberts’ stats as an evangelist, but working against him is the fact that he coerced so many unwilling victims into lives of abject Christianity.

God, a deity on high, has successfully evaded prosecution in a number of high-profile acts of Goldy vengeance, due in large part to prosecutors’ inability to establish His motives. Also, since He is everywhere, His alibi has always checked out.

Gabriel, a representative for God in Mississippi did not disclose the almighty’s future plans for Roberts, now that he is home, except to say that “there [is] a special place in the afterlife for people like him.”

More ominous words have seldom been spoken, and three minor league pitchers to be named later were also included in the trade.

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....