Two Beefeaters at the Tower of London have been suspended from duty – by the thumbs – while a third is currently undergoing a course of extraordinary rendition in the Tower’s basement dungeons in connection with allegations of harassing their female vegetarian colleague.
Tower authorities launched an internal investigation concerning complaints and claims that Corporal Shawaddywaddy Jaffacake – appointed to the role of Beefeater in 2007 – was being bullied and forced to ‘Eat Beef’ in contravention of her religious and cultural beliefs – and personal dietary preferences.
Beefeaters, officially Crown Yeoman Warders, have guarded the Tower since the previous guardians – the Royal Duckfat Chewers – fled the premises in 1485 during the Peasant’s Revolt and ensuing Scumborough Riots.
Cpl. Jaffacake is currently the only female warder among the 35 Yeoman assigned to the Tower of London’s security force – although several are self-outed gays – with a further four renowned as fervent transvestites of the black latex and fishnet variety.
The 84-year-old Yeoman Jaffacake, originally from Dogmandu in the Nepalese Himalayas, became the second female Yeoman Warder in the institution’s history in 2007 after completing the required 22 years of Army service in the Gung-Ho Ghurka Regiment.
(The first female Yeoman Warder was Sgt. Rita McSlagg, a 16-stone ex-pig wrestling champion from Yorkshire who was sentenced to chop her own head off in 1649 by Cromwell for siding with the cavalier Royalist forces of Charles 1st during the Thirty Years War (1618-1648).
The statement from Tower of London said: “We can confirm that three yeoman warders are under investigation in response to allegations of harassment. Two are currently suspended by their thumbs from the River Thames battlements and a third is currently sampling the rack and hot irons in the Plantagenet wing’s new torture chamber.”
“Yeoman Jaffacake, a practicing Hindu, was held down by the three afore-mentioned male Yeomen and forced to eat slices of roast beef – which runs contrary not only to her religious beliefs but also her personal dietary choice. We consider this constitutes a charge of ‘food rape’.”
Conversely retired Chief Yeoman, Colonel Jock ‘Black’ Angus told a reporter from the Sacred Cow Gazette “Bleedin’ split-arsed wimp – wot the effin’ Hell does she wanna be a Beefeater for when she’s an effin’ vegetarian?”
“That’s all Beefeaters ever get to eat – friggin’ Beef. Breakfast, dinner and supper – until yer sick of the effin sight of the stuff.”
“It’s no bleedin’ wonder we all end up sufferin’ from the dreaded Bonkers Bull Syndrome.”
Although the role of the Beefeaters is now mostly ceremonial, their duties still include guarding the Tower against thieving pikeys making a grab for the Crown Jewels – or eating the traditional habitué ravens.