Church Choirs Get ‘Shut the Hell Up’ Notices, Finally

Two churches in London have been ordered to keep the noise down after neighbours complained about the deafening hymn renditions from their choir’s singing voices at Sunday services.

Noise abatement notices were issued to the Church of Latter Day Rastafarians in Scumborough Hamlets and the Luciano Pavagrotti Christian Centre for Deaf Yodellers at Smegmadale Gardens last week.

The ‘Jesus is the Boss’ Christian Legal Centre described the notices as a “typical example of Big Brother Bully council tactics” but the borough council claims in defence that the notices were a last resort after mediation failed to reduce the decibel levels of some of both church’s West Indian gospel wailers.

Pastor Monty Marley of the Church of Latter Day Rastafarians told a reporter from the Whingeing Gits Gazette that since the notice was served their congregation had lost about 50 of up to 150 worshippers on Sundays – who now simply assemble on Wimbledon Common to bawl their weekly praises to God – and so far no complaints have been received from the indigenous Wombles.

Pastor Marley’s church challenged the noise abatement notice but its appeal was rejected by the magistrates last week – with one of the Scumborough Hamlets council’s petty bureaucratic jobsworths informing the Daily Shitraker that the church faces a fine of £20,000 if it breaks the order in future.

Lamenting the turn of events, Pastor Marley explained “Because we’re an urban church surrounded by heathens, Satanists and Godless atheist type neighbours we’ve had to cut down the steel drums and sing in a real low key – which sorta defeats the point when you’re trying to get the high notes of the Banana Boat song to bounce off Heaven’s Gates – especially the ‘Day-O!” choruses.”

Conversely Mrs. Rita Scrunt, whose end terrace council slum on Haile Selassie Street faces Pastor Marley’s church, told a reporter from the Infidels Gazette “Good bleedin’ riddance I say if they do eff’ off and take their church elsewhere.”

“You should have heard the noise here every Sunday mornin’ while we’re tryin’ to have a lie in bed after a hard week scroungin’ down the Jobcentre an’ dodgin’ the benefit fraud blokes.”

“Then in the afternoon yer get their effin’ steel band bangin’ away an’ a bunch of darkies bawlin’ bleedin’ reggae songs while yer trying’ ter watch Match of the Day on the telly – no thanks.”

Closing on a sad note Pastor Marley mentioned that their resident bell-ringer Jason Quasimodo has been placed on suicide watch by the paramilitary Samaritan’s group since being ordered to ring the church bells ‘quietly’.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via