Doomsday cults are big business these days. The Death by Chocolate Cult sadly disbanded.
Phoenix, AZ – It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned.
Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out.
“We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn’t the same,” he said. “Since the cult only brings in enough money to buy chocolate and nothing else, there was no money to repair the refrigerator, and we lost everything.”
Detractors, however, paint a different picture. The real reason the cult was disbanding is because money has become scarce and their leaders were forced to buy inferior chocolate made with artificial ingredients.
Without real cocoa in their diets, the libidos of the members returned to normal and no one felt like having sex anymore. Said one former cult member, “what’s the fun of being in a doomsday cult if you can’t have sex or eat chocolate every day?”