Here we go again… and again… and AGAIN™…
NaHum-ism
National Humanitarianism, or NaHum-ism, is what happens when the petty, cruel, vicious, tearful, artificial boundaries that wantonly and cruelly constrain the human spirit are broken down and annihilated with an iron fist.
For, I have sworn an eternal and undying oath, (naturally, one purely context-dependent and pragmatic in character), that we are all just human beings, in the last instance…
To say nothing of that “last” grand Day of Judgment for hooligans and recalcitrationists!
Yes: we shall never deny the noble imperative of destroying all divisions, and the indefatigability of the human spirit to triumph over all odds.
Oh, and by the way…
Yeah, I KNOW it is maliciously and cynically alleged that National Cosmopolitanism and National Humanitarianism sound a bit like “National Socialism” (rather as NaCom-ism and NaHum-ism SUPPOSEDLY sound like “Nazism.”)
But that’s just semantics, isn’t it!!!
NashRest
The National Interest. In a nutshell, whatever is good for me, whatever is good for the USA, it sure as hell ought to be good enough for you!
PubRest
The Public Interest. Kinda like The National Interest, but a bit more bureaucratic, and even a smidgen less “sexy.”
(Well yeah, it’s all about context. We traffic only in flexible, creative, pragmatic, objective, and value-free responses to the given configurations of constraints and opportunities; not hidebound moralism and pious book worship!)
National Sovereignty Absolutist (Not to be confused with NSA)
Vicious traitors and repugnant scum, who think that we should look after “our own backyard” before telling backward, reactionary, welfare-gulag-heathen-socialist-homosexual-plantation-dictators-in-all-but-name to sort out the evil shit they keep senselessly and ignorantly inflicting on Our Common Humanity.
Well look, my backyard… sorry, OUR backyard, is kinda cramped, and I think there’s too much petty selfishness in this neighborhood. You don’t get to sit in my veranda and share a cool beer until you show me what YOU’VE got.
Pinko Libertarian/Socialist Traitors
Formerly known as “Pinko Liberals,” Pinko Libertarians and Socialist Traitors are depraved, illiterate bastards, who are irrationally obsessed with the abstract, speculative, metaphysical glass-bead game of whether there should or should not be a social safety hammock…
A hammock to prop up and shield the lawless, anarchistic horde of ignorant, illiterate masses pressing upon Our Nation and upon The Global Potomac with their unregulated guns and idiotic pitchforks…
Pinkos arrogantly and self-indulgently assert that such pathetic, nonsensical trivialities are somehow MORE IMPORTANT than punishing people who don’t respect us…
Or than generously and sternly disciplining those who viciously and inexcusably disdain to regularly repay us with spontaneous, unprompted, basic, common-human-decent-ish, baseline recognition…
To say nothing of the undying, eternally unquestioning adoration, veneration, worship, and devotion that we so richly and unquestionably deserve…
Thereby insincerely and treacherously pandering to the myriad horde of Respect Criminals™ and Civility Felons™ who, similarly barbarically, are wantonly and maliciously depriving us of our right to invest our money, technical knowledge, and scary-ass drone-clusters in their shitty country…
Honoring foreign hooligans who arrogantly disdain to either kiss or insert the outstretched fist that longs so dearly to honorably and generously save them from themselves.
Pinko Special Pleading
The utterly bizarre, perverse, and incomprehensible phenomenon whereby illogical, irrational, emotive bastards wildly and wantonly assert that we should be “held accountable to the same standards we impose on others…”
Thus cynically and disingenuously failing to grasp the blazingly obviously point that THOSE OTHER GUYS are PRECISELY the ones who are wickedly and deviously refusing to act accountably!!!
The Gr’ood
The Greater Good, or Gr’ood, is whatever is left over when all the petty, selfish, egotistical desires of mere paltry, meagre “individuals” (so-called) are boiled out with extreme prejudice…
And we have distilled only the pure, pristine, spiritual essence of The Common Well-Being.
… “The Common Well-Being?” Shit, I just coined a new “semantic device!”
… Uh, “weapon!”
Well, talk about the “very soul of politico-creative pretension!”
… No, I said “pretension,” not “pretending!!!”
Well, THE LATTER is something backward, ignorant Third World regimes like France and North Korea do. France is such a wicked, immoral country, their Presidents even sneak around in motorcycle helmets, seeking mistresses to wantonly devour!
Well, no wonder we look down on those immoral, cynical, disingenuous bastards!
The Universal Interest
Well, duh! Pretty damn obvious what this one means!
Then again, the same can be said for all of the immaculately sound, rational, and common sense terms here…
I’m only putting into words the intuitive insights that you always knew, and believed, and felt, but just weren’t able to put into words.
… Bergman’s “Gaslight,” anyone?
UnAmerican Exceptionalism
Kinda like Pinko Special Pleading. But we like to adapt our semantic strategies according to the given, objective, value-free, real-time constraints and opportunities.
USSD
The “US State Department.” (Oldspeak version). Means what it says.
Well, yeah! You know, “means what is says” can be said of most ANY TEXT WHATSOEVER possessing absolute, unconditional, and undeniable ethical/moral/political/economic/scientific authority.
Yup! King James 1611, the Constitution, Ted Nugent’s Greatest Hits… You get the picture.
USSR
Not to be confused with “USSD.” A geographically vast and hideous territory, whose beleaguered, fearful, and anxious citizens are currently (and eternally) tyrannized over by unprincipled, expansionist ideologues…
Who want to violently and dishonestly impose abject subservience to “The Absolute Truth” via by vicious threats, cynical manipulation, backroom subversion, and sheer naked brutality.
Xenophiliac
Someone who thinks the “rights” of some integral synthetic components or other of the vast, miscellaneous bloc of backward, unAmerican, non-American-ness existing somewhere out there or other…
Somehow have an EQUAL (!) claim to respect and love than the people who work SO DAMN HARD to protect you, benefit you, improve and better you, and most of all…
To tirelessly and ruthlessly educate you out of your rank imbecility, your inexcusable and despicable proclivity to endlessly spew out unpatriotic, nihilistic bullshit.
Disclaimer and/or Persecution Averter: Thanks to my anonymous source, Julian Snowball-Assiette™ for aiding me with this one. My formerly bare and monotone attic cellar has been a much warmer and comfier place since I gave him refuge.