You might think living in America’s friendliest town must be a fairy tale. Au contraire. It’s a living Hell. Forbes Magazine just came out with its ranking of the Friendliest Towns in America. Coming in at the #1 spot on their list? Sammamish, Washington, my town for the past 22 years. (True.)
Sammamish beat out fierce rivals like Westerville, Ohio, Fishers, Indiana, Lake Wobegon, Hooterville, and the Merry Old Land of Oz for top honors. Forbes’s study ranked towns based on criteria such as crime rate, level of charitable giving, level of civic engagement, and the size of the check the town was willing to pay to Forbes Magazine to get listed as one of America’s friendliest towns.
Sammamish, a nice town of roughly 47,000 nice people, is nestled in the nice foothills of the Cascade Mountains – a convenient 20 minutes east of Seattle (or 2 hours and 40 minutes during rush hour). Thanks to its close proximity to Microsoft, Sammamish is an upscale community with low unemployment (5%), low crime (90% below the national average) and the nation’s highest level of double tall mocha addicts (97%).
Don’t get me wrong. The people of Sammamish are some of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. And that’s exactly the problem. They are really nice. Annoyingly, obnoxiously nice. By comparison, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood looks like the set of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Last week, I tried to enter the grocery store when I noticed two women in front of me, both trying to enter the store at the same time. It took them five minutes to successfully negotiate entering into the establishment because each of them kept insisting the other person go first:
“Please, go right ahead.”
“Oh, you are most kind. But I would not think of it. After you, please.”
“Why, thank you, but I believe you were here first.”
“Oh not at all. I believe you were here before me.”
“Oh, I am in no hurry. Besides, I believe you let me through first last week.”
I have seen slugs cross thresholds faster.
• A rally to stop discrimination against people who turn prematurely grey
• A petition to designate stay-at-home moms an oppressed minority
• A fundraising auction to raise money for people who lost money investing in the Facebook IPO
• A call to reduce injuries in high school football by banning contact between opposing players
• A campaign to end illiteracy among college graduates
Most of the youth league rec soccer games here end in a tie because parents don’t want to upset kids on the other team by causing them to experience failure. In Little League baseball here, there is a trophy for the league’s most sportsmanlike player. This year, it was 482-way tie.
People here don’t complain. They are far too polite for that. If someone here orders steak at a restaurant and the waiter accidentally brings them say, fish, heaven forbid they embarrass their waiter by pointing out his mistake. They will typically thank him profusely for suggesting a healthier dining alternative.
At the recent holiday display at the town’s City Hall, in an attempt to make sure not to offend any religious minority, the Three Wise Men were replaced by Mohammed, Vishnu and the ancient Egyptian sun god Ra. The part of Joseph was played by Buddha, and the entire display was tastefully lit by a giant 10 foot-tall menorah with eight candy cane-shaped candles. There was one minor complaint by a middle-aged occultist concerned about the exclusion of any reference to paganism. The town quickly rectified their error by adorning the Virgin Mary with a broom and a witch’s cauldron.
If you ask your neighbor to take in your mail while you are away for a week, it’s pretty much a given there will be a gift basket of homemade cookies on your front porch waiting for your return, with a nice handwritten note telling you how well behaved your cats were.
• Thank you for donating $10 to fund a painting class for dogs at the local animal shelter.
• Thank you for baking the gluten-free, fat-free mango-celery tofu cookies for the kids’ baseball team post-game party.
• Thank you for your help in the petition drive to change the name of Beaver Lake Middle School’s team mascot from “The Beavers” to the more socially acceptable “Semi-Aquatic Nocturnal Dam-Building Herbivores,” even though it’s slightly more difficult to fit on the players’ jerseys.
I have had it up to here with people holding the door open, letting me in front of them in traffic, or otherwise treating me with unrelenting courtesy. I had no idea when I moved here that all the folks from Mayberry had moved to the Pacific Northwest (and bought Lexuses).
I’m done with my rant. Oh my goodness! I just re-read what I wrote. I hope I didn’t offend anybody by my comments. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this column. That was very thoughtful of you. No really. You had so many other things you could have been doing over the past five minutes. I really don’t deserve your attention. Have a nice day.