GOP Blasts Don’t Ask/Tell Compromise as Sub-Fabulous

On this snowy day in our nation’s Capitol, one can feel the power of hope overtaking all vestiges of cynicism. This lame duck Congress seems to this reporter’s eyes, to be driven by a spirit of bipartisanship seldom seen in American history.

Legislative roadblocks once considered intractable are now dropping faster than Miley Cyrus undergarments.

An example of the new ethos is yesterday’s almost unanimous overturning of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.’

First enacted during the Clinton administration, the policy was meant as a middle ground between advocates for homosexual rights and those who adamantly maintained, in the words of Senator Blaine Thornton, “Openly and unapologetic fudge packers in our military, which I never got around to serving in? You think I’m drunk or something?”

‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ is to be replaced by a new policy called ‘Don’t Know Don’t Care.’ Under the legislation, no military service personnel will be allowed to discuss their sexuality. Any soldier or soldieress who shares with others a picture or any news from girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse will immediately be court-martialed.

Among the rank and file of our military, reaction has been mixed, to say the least. Insisting her name not be revealed, Lt. Colonel Ruth Thayer USMC spoke candidly to Glossy News on this new policy.

“Look, I’m a practicing lesbian. I practice every chance I get. But this is some screwed up crap here? It’s bad for unit cohesion. Front lines, our fighting personnel need to talk to each other about who’s waiting back home for them.”

Aside from bitter nit-picking those military types always do, ‘Don’t Know Don’t Care’ is being widely considered yet another legislative triumph from the ‘new’ Obama.

Co-sponsors of the new legislation, Senator Olympia Frost (R:ME) and Congressman Dick Grayson (D:CA) were proud of their work in the historic change. Said Ms. Frost, “When Dick first came to me with his scheme, I thought it was crazy, but it makes sense.”

Representative Grayson was equally modest in his comments. “Hey Olympia? How come when you have an idea it’s a plan, but when I have an idea, it’s a scheme?”

And then a fist fight broke out. Senator Frost beat the snot out of Congressman Grayson.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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