NUEVO LAREDO, Texas (GlossyNews) — In a move termed a ‘head scratcher’ by DC insiders, TX Senator Denton R. Fender this week released a statement aimed at rapprochement towards Spain, and some people who have been dead for five centuries.
“The condemnation of these noble explorers is way overdue for a shakeup. Far too long we’ve let Liberals write history, and Liberals always demonize free market capitalism. Slanderous revisionism of the Conquistadors reflects poorly on the noble Spanish people, and I for one sincerely apologize. Cortez and Pizarro, they were entrepreneurs in the finest American tradition. ”
The third term Texas republican, who faces a tough election challenge from Houston Mayor Adam Lambert, built on the press release with remarks read into the Congressional Record. “Democrats hate the Conquistadors because those brave Spaniards had guns. Without guns, how could they have defended themselves against hordes of spear wielding Aztecs and Incas? Democrats don’t want anybody to have guns, that’s all there is to it.”
Our nation’s capitol being essentially a company town, where the manufactured products are influence and patronage, what Senator Fender said generated little interest. Why he said it was a matter of intense speculation.
At DC’s “Make it look like a Business expense” bistro, politicians and pundits huddled in shadowy corners, whispering in hushed tones. Most of them refused to discuss ‘Fender-gate’ with your Glossy News reporter, but a few were willing to speak on record with their theories.
Recently ‘retired’ veteran journalist Helen Thomas was quick to voice an opinion, but nobody cares what she thinks.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper offered his take on the Fender apology. “Sure, it looks like he’s waging some bizarre asymmetrical re-election appeal to the second amendment vote, but I think there’s more to it. Looks to me like Denton’s building for a 2012 Presidential bid. Makes a lot of sense really; talk crazy in advance of the primary season, lock up that fringe funding early.”
James Carville was less gracious in his assessment of Senator Fender. “That ol’ boy? Don’t nobody care about Conquistadors; he’s just fartin’ in the barn there. Denton’s crazier than a left-handed possum.”
Whatever that means.