BUFFALO, New York (GlossyNews) — In what Tri-State area Tea Party leaders are calling further evidence of our culture’s collapse, 38-year-old Lance Kilbane, an unemployed welder, has forgotten to honor his mother on her birthday.
Speaking to reporters while completing a Taco Bell employment application, Kilbane struggled to put an acceptable face on his unforgiveable negligence toward the woman who carried him inside her body for nine months.
“The unemployment check barely pays for rent and a few groceries. I can’t even afford my blood pressure medicine anymore. My 401k is about tapped out. I love Mom a lot, but there’s just so much going on, I forgot.”
Mr. Kilbane’s self-serving excuses rang hollow with friends. “How many mothers does he have?” asked one acquaintance. Not content with the stress he inflicted on his mother by serving three tours in Iraq, ungrateful Lance now uses the economy as reason to conveniently “forget” her special day.
“He can’t find money to buy a lousy card,” Kilbane’s ex-wife complained, “yet he has money to frequent fast food outlets.”
Long suffering, neglected Penny Lane Kilbane was quick to feign ignorance of the growing scandal. Reached for comment upon arriving for her weekly hairdresser’s appointment, Mrs. Kilbane said, “What are you useless idiots going on about? Lance is a good boy. At my age, I don’t even want to be reminded of my birthday anyway. Lance is a good boy. Now that ex-wife of his? Total bitch.”
Despite the best efforts of the mother-son Kilbane spin machine, this scandal has gripped the consciousness of America. It refuses to go away and already portends far reaching consequences.
FOX News commenter Karl Rove said this week, “Obviously this is a verdict on the Obama administration. Had the so-called Stimulus bill been successful, that brave veteran wouldn’t be filling out Taco Bell applications. Under GOP leadership, he’d already have that Taco Bell job. The Dems are toast in November, and I don’t mean French toast, which is quite delicious, though I don’t care much for France.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today announced a $28 billion program that will inform all Americans of their mother’s birthdays a week in advance. However, news of an automated birthday calendar reminder system raised protests and threats of litigation from the owners of Facebook, whose service already offers this functionality.