THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.
Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty.
He was heard to admit that, though He is frequently tempted to smite Robertson with “a lightning bolt, meteorite, or some catastrophic organ failure,” His forbearance persists due to His hopes that mankind will soon become so sick of Robertson that He won’t have to get His hands dirty after all. “You’re bringing it upon yourselves every time you give him any attention, let alone all the times you’ve allowed him to unofficially represent America.” The Lord added, “Really…do you all have no shame whatsoever??”
The Maker of All also went on to question why so many people, most of whom claim to be His most devoted servants, treat Rush Limbaugh as though he is anything but a spiteful dope-addicted douchebag. He then closed his statement by reminding people that President Barack Obama should not be worshiped in any Godlike manner, no matter how cool he is. “It’s the first friggin’ commandment, people. Not like it’s in the fine print or something…”
George Carlin summed it up: “Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bull**** story. Holy S***!”
“It’s the first friggin’ commandment, people. Not like it’s in the fine print or something…”
This last statement sure makes God seem very cool. Definitely someone I wouldn’t mind hanging out with.
Great article.