A six-year-old boy thought to have been carried away by a helium-filled weather balloon in Colorado was in fact hiding in the kitchen fridge – behind the remains of last Thanksgiving’s Day turkey, a Dorksborough County deputy informed Fux News.
Dorksborough Sheriff Billy Bob Moronsky later advised media reporters that apparently the youngster – Roland de Ratte – had been there the whole time.
“The little twat was jest sat there in the fridge nibblin’ away on left-over turkey giblets and cranberry dip while my boys were out there sweatin’ their goddam asses off searchin’ fer the prick right across the Rockies.”
Police officials, National Guardsmen, Homeland Insecurity, the FBI, the CIA and the entire Girl Guides Association of the Americas had been searching for the boy after his brother Norm claimed Roland had taken off with the balloon as he wanted to see the International Space Station ‘from real close up’.
The drama was played out on TV, with US networks devoting their entire airtime to live footage of the balloon drifting across Colorado – in a reminiscent replay of the 1994 “Let’s all follow O J Simpson” low-speed car chase television spectacular.
Roland’s father, Norm Senior, admitted to the media he had bawled the boy out earlier that day for climbing into the weather balloon’s gondola basket and fiddling with the release mechanism and inflation valves.
“I wuz sat on the bog readin’ a copy of Popular Balloonin’ and takin’ my weekly dump when Norm Junior comes bangin’ on the crapper door shoutin’ ‘Hey Dad – Rolly’s jest took off fer the Moon!’ – so I runs outa the door – pants an’ skiddies round me ankles an’ me new effin’ balloon’s a coupla thousand feet up and driftin’ off towards Denver.”
The silver balloon, apparently constructed by Norm’ Senior from scrap TV antennas, pig’s bladders and industrial strength condoms, reportedly reached a height of 7,000 feet before being shot down by a NORAD ground-to-air missile as it breached Denver International Airport air space.
The balloon crash landed in fields after its two-hour flight and was immediately surrounded by Slackwater / Xe mercenaries who reported the scorched and charred gondola was empty – which led to a further search of the de Ratte household.
A smirking Rolly – discovered sat in the fridge – told the media he was fascinated by the new cartoon movie ‘Up’ – and he had pulled the stunt as he wanted a spot of ‘payback’ after his father had gone ballistic and bawled him out for fiddling with the balloon controls.
According to neighbourhood gossip Rolly has now been ‘grounded’ – quite literally – until his 18th birthday.
Am I the only one who thinks these jerkoffs should lose their kids?
God I’m sick of hearing about these people. Thanks for making fun of them like they deserve to be mocked. Report all we want, let’s just make sure we’re not giving them any more money!