UK Stimulus Requires Peasants to Get Booze Licences

In what may well prove to be the most stupid law to be introduced since their last stupid law caused a public outcry and political brouhaha the EU’s fascist ‘Triple Six’ Department for Total Control has decided – in their infinite wisdom – that in a time wasting bid to curb binge drinking, all boozers will have to get a licence to enjoy their favourite tipple – and could lose it if they overindulge and get right blitzed.

Darlston Fuctifino, Labour MEP and current head of the EU’s 666 Big Brother division, claims the proposed swipe card-style licence might also reduce the crime costs associated with excessive alcohol consumption – such as tossing drunks in the can overnight.

Introducing the idea on the Brussels-based Triple Six networking site Fuctifino informed one reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette that his scheme could lead to a “better functioning society” as his recommended ‘booze permit’ would work in the same way that a driving licence does – with penalties for ‘speeding’ – which would curb binge drinking by monitoring the rapidity that pints were thrown down the neck by lager louts and alkie yobs.

Pisshead UK peasants would carry the card with them and swipe it every time they brought alcohol or tobacco.

Boozers who got into trouble for being drunk and disorderly and other minor crimes – such as pissing through local authority office letterboxes – would receive a fixed penalty notice fine and have three points automatically endorsed on their card.

While being monitored in places such as supermarkets and pubs, those who commit more serious offences – like pissing on a Police Community Support Officer’s boots – would have their card endorsed with even more points and once the limit had been exceeded the card owner would be disqualified from buying alcohol or tobacco.

Conversely Ghengis McTwat, spokesman for the UK’s ‘Pissheads Alliance’ opined to an interviewer from Fux News “It’s a crock of shit – if people are disqualified from buying their plonk all they’ll do is get some other sod to buy it for them.”

“All you’ll end up doing is establish a type of dodgy black market in forged booze permits and have non-drinkers buying liquor for the banned drinkers at a service charge fee.”

“Seriously, Mr. Fuctifino’s scheme’s got more holes in it than an Albanian colander.”

Publicans too were quick to condemn Fuctifino’s scheme as ‘barmy’ and typical of the EU’s usual ‘more at scent than substance ideas’.

Fellattia van der Gobble, manager of The Slappers Arms in Smegamadale, told a reporter from Pox News “I had 5,000 people through my door on Saturday afternoon and evenin’ – watchin’ the effin’ soccer matches so how the bleedin’ Hell are we supposed to check the licences of that mob every time they walk up to the bar for a fresh gargle?”

“In my opinion the EU and this bloke Fuctifino are more full of shit than a Christmas goose – the whole scheme’s ridiculous.”

”Why the fuck don’t they simply follow our suggestions and support Pubwatch -and get more of their lazy slack-arsed coppers out on the streets to tackle binge drinkin’ and anti-social behaviour.”

“Like Ghengis said – this licence thingie ain’t gonna stop youngsters and die-hard alkie pissheads from binge-drinking in the local parks.”

“What I reckon is that twats like Mr Fuctifino need a licence in order to be an EU parliamentary candidate. Once you get in, then you have licence to pass more stupid laws like this. It’s the New Labour government shaggin’ everythin’ up that’s got people binge-drinkin’ – it never happened when old Magggie Twatcher was in power.” “Really, who the fuck have they got in Brussels thinkin’ this shit up – Mr Bean?”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via