Stevens Point, Wisconsin—Tinnitus is a condition that causes a ringing in the ears. Nearly 1 out of every 10 Americans suffer from tinnitus.
Though severity of the noise is on a case-by-case basis, tinnitus has been known to cause people to go insane. The internal ringing gets so bad, people have jumped to their deaths off bridges, drilled out their own ear drums with power tools, and punched their in-laws unprovoked—at least that’s what I told my wife after throat chopping her father.
You see, I too suffer from this, often times, debilitating condition. Which is why I have closely followed the case of Erin Davis (Erin is actually a man who spells his name like a woman).
Erin has suffered from tinnitus for the past three years. “The incessant ching, chang, chinging. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was ready to call it quits,” Erin said ominously. It all started when he purchased his Toyota Corolla during his second freshman year at the University of Wisconsin in Stevens Point.
Erin continued, “The tinnitus made life miserable for me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. My sex life was in shambles.” Though it should be noted that Erin is a gawky, ginger-headed, gnomish looking fellow with a dorm room full of anime porn, and a collection of empty Pringles cans filled with farts; so for him to blame the lack of a sex life on tinnitus is like Kanye West blaming his RBF (resting bitch face) on the lack of an Israeli/Palestinian peace treaty—there’s no correlation.
Last month, Erin’s mother finally came to Wisconsin for a visit. As he drove her to church at Saint Simon of the Order of the Frozen Sack, Erin began having another bout with tinnitus, “The ching, chinging was bad. The worst it had ever been.” Erin’s mother, the ceaseless nag that she is, made Erin buckle his seatbelt and magically, the ringing stopped.
After three years of suffering, the seatbelt warning chime was the noise Erin was hearing. Erin has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Toyota for their failure to properly explain the seatbelt warning chime.
Toyota has filed a counter suit against Erin for racial slander saying, “Our chime is a dinging, not a chinging. Clearly Mr. Davis is a racist and is using this lawsuit as a platform for a campaign of hate against the Asian people.”
This reporter does not believe Erin is a racist towards Asians, quite the opposite. One step in his dorm room and you’ll see his admiration for the Japanese people—as long as they’re naked and in cartoon form.