Dick Cheney’s Heart Transplant Not Going Exactly As Expected

Surgeons have had great difficulty with fitting former President of Vice Dick Cheney (aka- ‘Tricky Dicky the Second’) with a transplanted heart. Each attempt to put a foreign heart into the open breast of Mr. Cheney has resulted in rejection- not Mr. Cheney’s body rejecting the heart but rather in a show of patriotic, defiant, graft versus host disease sort of way, the heart is rejecting Mr. Cheney.

The latest procedure ended when the most recent heart upon being put into the chest cavity jumped out and ran out of the surgery gallery screaming “AAAGGGGGHHHH!!! ITS ICE COLD IN THERE! ITS DARK AND REALLY CREEPY! LET ME OUT OF HERE! ANYTHING BUT THERE!! AAAAGHHHHH!!!!”.

Similar experiences occurred with other hearts that doctors have attempted to put into the former dictator of Halliburton. Usually the surgical staff had to chase the fleeing heart down the hospital hallways trying to catch it, often ending with the little organ choosing self-destruction rather than implantation into the world-famous torture advocate.

The hearts have been known to jump screaming out of hospital windows, drown themselves in acid baths, impale themselves on surgical knives and poison themselves on hospital cafeteria food. One heart, when cornered by hospital staff, choose to strangle itself with its own aorta rather than be taken. Another, successfully implanted into the most famous legal dictator’s chest, turned purple and withered immediately from the toxic shock.

In a desperate attempt to get a heart for the ailing ex-mini despot, surgeons contacted a Mayan group specializing in the ritual sacrifice of a female virgin that their ancestors had been so famous for in its pre-Columbus history.

For an undisclosed amount from the Cheney Charitable Fund For Saving My Own Ass (CCFFSMOA), the Mayan priests sacrificed a young woman by cutting her still beating heart out on an alter in a religious ceremony and shipped it immediately to America where an emergency procedure installed it.

Unfortunately, having a female heart in the world’s most famous Darth Vader impersonator made the big man more compassionate, feminine and understanding of others, qualities that Mr. Cheney couldn’t abide by and he had it ripped out immediately.

The next plan involved approaching the Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz for help in getting the former water boarding enthusiast a heart just as he had done with the Tin Man. The Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz came out, took one look at the former U.S. Treasury money sucker and said, “I’m a wizard not God Almighty who can perform impossible miracles,” and left.

A solution was finally reached when the heart of an Asian Komodo dragon was successfully put into the famous draft dodger’s rib cage. Komodo dragons are, by nature, cold blooded, merciless and ruthlessly aggressive, making the transplant a huge success and leaving the highly acclaimed chicken hawk with a feeling of immense success, satisfaction and a strange sexual longing for a female Komodo.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at http://inyear252509.wordpress.com/

11 thoughts on “Dick Cheney’s Heart Transplant Not Going Exactly As Expected

  1. Standing ovation golf clap on this one my man!!! A brilliant tour de force on a topic that makes your beady little eyes glow in the dark.

    Criticism is impossible in the presence of such a masterpiece.

    Personally I wish you’d have managed to work in “Dammit Jim, I’m only a Doctor” but I can’t have everything.

  2. Hey Brian! She’s talking to me! I saw her first! Buzz off!

    Sure Vickie, I’d be happy to look at your stories.
    I’m free Friday night.
    We could meet in a little romantic cafe I know with dim lighting.
    Do you prefer red wine or white?
    We could go over the articles until late in the evening, then go for a quiet stroll along the river front discussing politics and humor.
    Then softly discuss the terms of publication…..

    Nuts, I’m getting ahead of myself again…
    Sure, send the stuff in.

    To 63mlya, This has been long suspected. Frankenstein lives!

  3. How can a person need a heart transplant, when they never had a heart to begin with? The only thing that keeps this person alive is pure evil in it’s natural form

  4. Hey Vicki,

    We try to make it easy, but if you’re still looking to submit, go to the CONTACT page and shoot us an email. Maybe include a sample story for consideration. Just sayin’.



  5. I know where Bargis is…want me to hook you two up? Better yet how’s this? You dare insult the great and Grand Poo-bah of Politics with your piddling story about his heart transplant? Have you no heart yourself? Why I oughta give you what’s for, you heartless Liberal! There now, all better?

    For the record, I enjoyed your story, especially the part about having to chase the heart down the corridor. I’d pay to see that.

  6. DAMN!!!!!
    This article isn’t generating enough comments!
    Come on folks! This was a labor of love here!
    Where is Bargis when you need him?

  7. RFreed is back with a vengeance, folks. Quite the entertaining romp through transplant land. And who d’ya suppose is paying for all those failed transplants to keep Dickie alive? huh? Yep, you guessed it, you generous taxpayers.

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