At 52 years old and recently divorced, Hog Jaw’s own Elsie Piebottom was feeling the sags and wrinkles of years of an outdoor lifestyle. A face lift was her dream and she did inquire with several top-notch surgeons about a full face lift procedure. The doctors promised she’d look 30 years old again and have her youthful face and smile for many years to come.
The deciding factor was cost and the hospital’s location. Most surgeons wanted almost $75,000 dollars to do a complete and satisfactory job and the nearest big city from Hog Jaw was Crap Apple that boasted both a hospital and a Denny’s restaurant. With a yearly salary of less than half of that, Piebottom felt it was out of her financial means to fulfill her dream. That was until she stumbled across an advertisement on Glossy News.
A flashing pop up Google ad promised a complete “face lift in the privacy of your own home for only $19.95!”
Plus, there was more!
Feeling she had a way to give herself what she needed cheaply, Piebottom sent away for the product. When it arrived, the package contained step-by-step instructions with glossy photos of how to do a self-face lift in the privacy of your own home. The kit even included a brand new hammer and hand mirror all made in China.
Six weeks later after a slight bout of a MERSA infection, Piebottom removed her bandages and saw her ‘new’ face for the first time and was very pleased.
“The hardest part was using the hammer while looking in the mirror. I musta whacked my nose by accident at least 5 times,” chuckled Piebottom, as she showed off her face to patrons of Lucinda’s Rest-A-While Luncheonette.
Elsie is now seriously dating Chester down at the post office. Neither would comment about prospects for wedding bells, but Elsie was recently spotted over at Crawford’s Marrying Parlor talking with Violet Crawford.