Alcohol ‘Protects Men’s Hearts’, Jokes Included

After hearing – and reading – so much crap for so long – that alcohol stuffs up your liver, brain cells, memory, gives you gout, causes stomach ulcers, Diabetes B – Mk 1, 2 and 3 varieties, and a plethora of other internal and external physical nasties – plus a few psychotic problems such as hallucinations, delirium tremens, galloping paranoia and psychopathic tendencies – our esteemed government are now pronouncing it’s actually quite good for you – to the extent of – and here we quote – “it protects men’s hearts”.

Apparently the volte-face in NHS policy has manifested after Downing Street was informed the national brewing, pubs, clubs and bars businesses could go totally bankrupt and put a couple of million more peasants out of work – thus sending the Chancellor Darling’s revenue collection into a fatal downward spiral – if Brown’s inept government maintain its anti-boozing campaigns.

The survey, carried out by the Smegmadale Institute for Latter Day Alkies, involved more than 15,500 men and 26,000 women across the UK and discovered large quantities of alcohol could be even more beneficial for men – and the Chancellor’s depleted coffers.

The researchers placed the participants into six ‘pisshead’ categories – from never having drunk more than the odd glass of turp’s at Christmas to drinking an excess of 180 grams of alcohol each day. This would be the equivalent of consuming about twenty bottles of wine a week, or sixty pints of lager – the normal intake for the unemployed British benefits cheat with heart problems.

For those drinking little – less than six shots of creosote a day for instance – the risk was reduced by 35% – and for those who drank anything from three shots to more than 11 shots each day, the risk worked out an average of 50% less.

A comparative ‘blind’ test revealed that people who drank neat anti-freeze, Sunny D’ orange spiked with paint thinners or Meths Breezer and Red Bull cocktails were likely to be dead before Christmas.

The same benefits were not seen in women due them being stone-hearted bitches to begin with.
Researchers speculated this difference could also be down to the fact that women process alcohol differently as they piss a pint for every one drunk.

The exact mechanisms are as yet unclear, but it is believed that alcohol helps to raise high-density lipoproteins, sometimes known as good cholesterol, which helps stop so-called bad cholesterol from causing arterial blockages like a peak-hours traffic jam on the M25.

However this theory falls flat on its proverbial arse if the drinker stands at a pub bar quaffing pints of lager and eating bag after bag of high octane synthetic pork scratchings and bacon fries – neither of which have ever seen a pig.

Self-appointed UK medical gurus claim the ‘ healthy heart’ findings should be treated with caution because the science behind them is profit-driven and makes f*ck all sense considering they do not take into account the range of other diseases known to be caused by excess drinking.

Conversely, the Stroke of Bad Luck Association – always the first to piss on anybody’s bonfire – meanwhile noted the evidence, per se, indicated that people who regularly consumed a large amount of alcohol had a ten-fold increased risk of having a cerebral apoplexy (stroke).

Doctor Fellatia van der Gamm, president of the UK’s Institute for Advanced Guessology, agreed that the message from this study was utter bullshit : “All a boozer is doing is juggling different risks and benefits – swilling more beer to protect their heart and at the same time f*cking up their brain and liver.”

So, taking the optimistic view, it is now a proven medical fact – alcohol ‘protects men’s hearts’ – great stuff. A pity it doesn’t say anything about women’s tickers.

Good news for alcoholics at least. As on was overheard commenting to his pal “Hey, even if the liquor still fucks up yer liver and grey cells who gives a flying shite – yer hearts a good-un.”

“Right on, Cyril – anybody fancy a discount binge-drinking bender at Wetherspoons?”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via