Problem Seekers Look no Further, Hank Offers Advice

Listen all you wayward citizens of the world, a new day dawned a couple months back, and the answers to your questions is here. His name is Hank, and he will tackle anything you can throw at him. But Hank needs your help. Hank needs more questions to answer.

Do you want advice? Do you need it like a stripper needs another fifteen bucks before she can go home without owing the house money?

Ask Hank:
– What makes women tick?
– Why Brangelina won’t respond to your love notes?
– What you should reveal on Jerry Springer?
– How many more times you should do that before finally admitting it?
– Why those damn bumps itch so bad?
– Should I give up and just pop it already?
– What to do to finally land that job as a trucker’s assistant?
– Why even Bourbon gives you whiskey-dick?
– Or anything else you could want to know!!!

Truth is we’ve got Hank locked up in a semi-exclusive contract here, and though he might not admit it, he loves Glossy News and wants nothing but the best for our readers.

Sure he’s gruff at times, and his advice has led to at least a handful of lesser misdemeanor arrests, but he’s here week-in and week-out bestowing the brilliance of his best-not-counted decades all over us like so much Tabasco atop a fine Denver omelet.

If you’ve got a burning question, or some part of you that’s burning, and you need answers, Hank is here to “help”, but he can’t do it without you asking. We tried that card trick for almost an hour the other day, he sure as hell can’t read minds.

Please submit questions for Hank to lavish the wisdom he’s earned the hardest way. This is open to new readers of Glossy News, old readers of Glossy News, or writers on Glossy News.

The more questions we ask, the less he has time to drink, and both his wife and the Sherriff agree, that’s a good thing, so help out his wife and dog by making devil’s playthings of his idle hands, which makes no sense, but that’s kind of our thing around here.

Submit questions to Hank using our Contact Page, or post them in the comments below if you don’t feel like going through the trouble. Then just sit back and watch as all your problems are “solved” in short order… meaning over the course of some number of Sundays after now.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

4 thoughts on “Problem Seekers Look no Further, Hank Offers Advice

  1. OK Hank… Here are a couple phlosophical questions for your amusement.

    Why do men and women have two hands?

    If the Universe is expanding like my waistline, why does the content of my wallet not do the same?

    Why do Korean women taste different than Chinese women?


    Why do all those Native Americans hate me?

  2. I tell ya, kiddo, stickin’ that little math homework problem at the bottom of my “contact” post really is goin’ to cut into your requests for advice from Hank thing. (what is 15+11=__)
    Some people use the internets for kickin’ back and such. They won’t be any too happy about askin’ for advice from a guy when they have to help out with his math homework.
    Good thing my computer has a calculator, is all I can say.
    arturo verdana roman

  3. :: [posting as B-2010] ::

    Hey Hank,
    It’s become a toss-up for me here and thought you could help out, if you want…
    I am and have been an atheist for most of my life. I just can’t get into the whole swoony churchy thing.
    But, I have become a rather confirmed political convert and want to get a job in the next political campaign.
    I lean quite heavily to the right, so I need to know which church group would be the best for me to join up with –Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian? Are there others? Also what ends should I expect to go to in establishing myself as a religious person?
    Oh and one other, do I need to cover up that I am gay?

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