The results of a three year survey commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has concluded couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health (mental as well as physical) and overall emotional relationship.
Chief sleep consultant to the survey Dr Guido Siesta told the British Hibernation Council how bed sharing can cause rows over snoring and duvet-hogging – resulting in both partners being deprived of precious sleep.
One segment of the survey discovered that, on average, couples suffered 80% more sleep disturbances if they shared a bed – whether they were pooftas or lesbian partners – or of the straight heterosexual male and female type.
Dr Siesta – who confided to one reporter from the Rumour Monger’s Gazette that he sleeps separately from his wife – but quite often with a colleague’s – pointed out that historically we were never meant to share our beds.
He claims the modern tradition of the marital bed only began with the industrial revolution, when people moving to overcrowded towns and cities found themselves short of living space so started to ‘bunk up’ together.
Before the Victorian era it was not uncommon for married couples to sleep apart and in ancient Rome the marital bed was a place for sexual congress but not for sleeping – regardless of how boring a shag the actual wife was – with the same arrangement dating back to the Cro-Magnon period when couples actually bonked each other’s brains out under the same mammoth skin then went off to sleep at separate ends of their cave.
Dr Siesta, who set up one of Britain’s leading sleep laboratories at the University of Smegmadale insists the people of today should consider doing the same.
“It’s about what makes you happy. If you’ve been sleeping together and you both sleep perfectly well, then don’t change, but never be afraid to do something different if your partner’s farting, teeth grinding, snoring – whatever – are disturbing your kip.”
“We all know what it’s like to throw a quick leg-over or get each other off with a spot of sixty-nine – then say ‘I’m going to sleep now’ and roll over to the opposite side of the bed and nod off – so why not just ‘toddle off’ instead – to your own separate bed – or bedroom if you can afford.”
Siesta and his co-researchers claim poor sleep can be linked to such complaints and avoidable chronic health problems as depression, heart disease, snorer’s ear, strokes, leprosy, lung disorders, genital warts and herpes, epilepsy, traffic and industrial accidents, divorce – and suicide – yet sleep is largely ignored by the medical practice as an important aspect of health and as the root cause for these problems.
Do you sleep in a different bed from your live-in partner? Has your health suffered because you and your partner share the same bed for ‘other purposes’ than shagging each other’s brains out – like sleeping?
Have you ever taken a cuddly woolly sheep to bed? Was it nice? Did you use mint sauce during foreplay? Do you ever dream of chasing spring lambs around a meadow?
Tell us your experiences when you shared a bed with a human partner – including the gnarly farts after a skinful of Bitch Thumper lager and a vindaloo curry – by filling in the online questionnaire below.