Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — A controversial portion of President Obama’s newest education initiative has come under fire from the American Federation of Teachers, which claims the measure is not only unconstitutional but absurd.

The provision in the President’s overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind Act” would hold all teachers accountable for their students’ performance and, in some cases, allow authorities to criminally prosecute teachers with poorly performing students.

“The measure is meant to ‘inspire’ teachers to do a better job while also making them responsible for any negative effects they have on students,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

“In our eyes, teachers who don’t force knowledge into the heads of their students are essentially ruining those students’ lives,” White House Senior Advisor David Axelrod added. “In the most extreme cases, these under-performing, intellectually malnourished students turn to lives of drug running, prostitution and crime. And everyone knows how lives led in this manner end: they end in death. So in that sense, these teachers are literally killing their students.”

The American Federation of Teachers is rallying against many provisions in the planned overhaul of education, now being called the “Teach the Hell Out of Those Students or Else” Act. This replaces the short-lived “Beat the Stupid Out of Them” statute, which drew fire from the ACLU. One such provision would put a high school teacher’s job in jeopardy if that teacher’s students could not correctly answer the question “E equals MC what?”

However, the AFT focused the bulk of its objections to one specific provision, which recommends criminal punishment for teachers classified as “Substandard Human Instructional Talent (SHIT).” The designation would be determined through a series of “objective standardize tests” that teachers would be required to take each year.

“That kind of testing is never accurate, damn it,” exclaimed one concerned teacher. “There’s nothing more meaningless, inconsequential, biased or hollow than a standardized test. You can’t measure the talent of a person with something like that.”

According to a White House press release, the charges levied against a SHIT teacher could include theft (of the student’s future) and possibly even manslaughter (in cases where a child dies as a result of being stupid).

“The time of teachers ruining our children’s lives with their complete lack of skill is over,” Obama said in his weekly Internet address. “Teachers will do their jobs and do them well, or they will suffer the consequences.”

“It makes us furious because it places all the blame on us,” Randi Weingarten of the AFT said. “Are there some bad teachers who should be fired? Yes, of course. Should they be sent to jail for that? No! Losing income and permanent employment should be punishment enough.”

Axelrod says that history and Hollywood have shown the opposite to be true. “Listen, you’ve seen the movies. Once a teacher gets fired, all the kids start to support him or her, and they start getting lessons at home or in neighborhood rec centers or in drug dens. We are still seeing teachers who refuse to teach the district tests. Without those test scores, we can’t compete with students in South Korea or other second world countries. Educationally, they’re kicking our asses right now. And these tests have actually made teaching easier, but some instructors insist on filling their kids’ heads full of extraneous data they simply won’t use, like civics and English and social science and music. No. It’s best they be taken off the street and locked away where they can’t hurt these poor kids anymore. They are kind of like sex offenders in that way.”

The AFT wants to know how the Obama administration can legally justify the measure. “The point is, you can’t throw someone in jail for being bad at their job,” Weingarten said. “Otherwise my asshole of a plumber would have been given the electric chair by now!”

Axelrod said that teachers are special because they exert more influence in a child’s life than anyone else and therefore should be held accountable. When asked if similar charges could be laid against parents who take no interest in or prove detrimental to their children’s education, Axelrod responded, “And just how the fuck are we supposed to legislate that?”

Author: stuyv

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