Grandpa Arrested for Calling Spade a “Damn Spade”

Has the E-USSR bestowing Big Brother Gestapo-style powers on the UK’s local council bureaucratic jobsworths and their PFI housing association gophers gone totally to their heads? Do you believe the adage that power tends to corrupt – but those of shallow souls and minds, given power, are corrupted absolutely? Yes – Absolutely – with a capital ‘A’.

A 94-year-old grandfather was arrested in a pre-dawn raid and held in a police dungeon for six hours for admitting using a politically-incorrect swear word in front of a sh*t-for-brains council minion overflowing with his own imaginary importance.

Wilf McScrunt, 94, was twatted with truncheons, tasered, handcuffed and given a good kicking, then fingerprinted and DNA-sampled, before having his name written down in the police’s ‘naughty book’ and being issued with an £80 fixed-penalty notice for saying a rude word in front of a council-appointed stooge.

His arrest followed a dispute with the said council wallah concerning ‘dangerous and slippery’ communal stairs in their block of flats in Cuntsbridge’s Scumford Hamlets.

Mr McScrunt, who is chairman of his residents group, has been campaigning for thirty years for safety improvements to the common stairways – all of which have – to date – fallen on deaf ears.

However when a scumbag council official visiting the site prevented him from listening to a phone call to his supervisor on October 30, he finally lost his temper and shouted “Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do in my own effing place, yer porky little cross-dressin’ poofta.”

The wimp official, Rupert ‘call me Sylvia’ Twatte, who is currently undergoing pre-op transgender surgery psychiatric counselling, complained to the police’s Domestic Terrorism unit of feeling ‘threatened’ by a big rough man and claimed to have suffered an involuntary bladder discharge.

Six days later Mr McScrunt was arrested at 5.30 am on a pitch black and rainy morning on suspicion of ‘causing harassment, alarm or distress in a public place’ – actually his own home.

Wilf, a former tortoise polisher, still dressed in his customary pink nightie, was marched into his bedroom – where his wife Slutsy, 92, was having it off with the Polish lodger – and ordered to change into ‘proper men’s clothes’ before being driven away in a police van.

He was then held in a windowless dungeon at the Cuntsbridge Domestic Terrorism extraordinary rendition centre for six hours before being given the fixed-penalty notice and released.

Mr McScrunt – who suffers from chronic dandruff, is further incapacitated by having a wooden leg, a prosthetic right arm, being blind in one eye, has seasonal asthma, is fitted with a pacemaker, suffers high blood pressure and experiences severe incontinence problems due a prolapsed sphincter – was so distressed over the way he was arrested that he suffered a panic attack and had to be administered intravenous shots of high octane rhubarb by the police station cook.

McScrunt informed Fux News “I were asleep when the effin’ plods kicked the front door in – an’ they was backed up by more uniformed yobs from the domestic terrorism Thug Squad. They just barged in, tasered Tiddles the cat, and shot me effin’ goldfish Willie.

“These daft plods seem to have no end of trouble catching proper criminals like MP’s for fiddlin’ dodgy expenses yet here they were dragging me down to the station for defending me rights an’ complainin about the death trap stairs being slippier than a ten yard stretch of elephant snot.”

Cuntsbridge police spokesman, Sgt. Fellatia Gammer claims the officers were only following ‘national policy’ in their response to the complaint.

She told a reporter from the Barbarians Weekly ‘We were responding to reports of a savage verbal assault on a transvestite council official – of a homophobic nature – which is a serious offence – unless carried out by our own Thug Squad.”

‘The suspect was arrested at the earliest possible opportunity, which happened to be six days later – at 5.35 am – which allowed our officers to book some badly needed overtime hours to pay for next summer’s Caribbean cruises.”

‘There wasn’t enough evidence to suggest Mr. McScrunt had committed an assault but he admitted to being abusive and saying naughty words to the council poofter after Constables Eichmann and Himmler gave him a good water-boarding.”

“Anyway the wrinkly old git was issued with a hefty fine that knocked a right big hole in his weekly pension – and a few choice words of caution about his disrespectful behaviour and bad language to council officials who happen to be wearing Common Purpose badges and belong to the local Masonic Lodge.”

Bradley Dorkstein CEO of Shitty Homes Inc. – the PFI housing association which administers council slums for the Cuntsbridge authority – and also comprises Wilf McScrunt’s Scumford Hamlets – told a reporter from the Inquisition Gazette they reported the incident to the police because the community representative – Mr. McScrunt – had called their representative – ‘Sylvia’ – a ‘scumbag faggot and a toerag jobsworth’.

Apparently ‘Sylvia’ had felt ‘threatened’ and pissed in his thong when McScrunt got very close to the truth and further called him a ‘useless lying poof’.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via