Merry Bloody Christmas with Call of Duty, Modern Warfare

The long wait is finally over for video game aficionados and those chronically addicted and desperate to get their hands on a copy of Call of Duty : Modern Warfare Mk 2 – the festive season’s latest release for a Christmas Day surprise – Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men (apart from those nasty unwashed Muslim Jolly Jihadi scumbags and any other f*cker and their dog who we’ve decided to indiscriminately label enemies).

Some 320 UK stores opened specially for its launch at midnight, as did 10,000 outlets across the US, with eager fans mowing each other down with automatic weapons and shopping trolleys – snuffing the competition to ensure they bagged a copy before stocks were depleted – or the government banned the release due the game being considered too violent.

Amazon told one reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that its pre-orders for the controversial title had been higher than for any previous video game due the spy software that allows players to shift locations and sniff out impostors and traitors – with trails going off from Boston to Washington to Kenya to Indonesia – ending up in Hawaii as players pull their hair out attempting to track down the non-existent provenance of an embedded Marxist-Muslim Manchurian Candidate’s forged birth certificate.

Billy Bob McKuntt, CEO of the game’s publisher Blood n Guts Productions, described it as “An armchair Rambo wannabe’s dream come true.”

Analysts believe stores could shift as many as five million copies on the first day of over-the-counter sales – and at £45 a shot that’s a whole lot of bread being laid out in the run-up to a recession-embattled Christmas – more than the Department of Defence wallahs are actually spending per soldier for battle kit in the Afghan theatre of operations.

This is the sixth instalment in the Call of Duty series and gives players the chance to be a member of the UN military strike force ‘Twat_Snuffers’ that takes on an Israeli Mossad false flag terrorist group posing as art students who are out to explode dirty nukes across the US and Europe and really kick-start Armageddon.

It sees the combat team travelling to Coney Island, Russia, Tierra del Fuego, Timbuktu – then Antarctica – and ending up in a submarine on New Orleans’ Lake Pontchartrain getting hammered by HAARP-induced hurricane floods as they strive to prevent a team of Slackwater / Xe mercenaries and rogue FEMA agents blasting the lake’s levees and flooding the city.

Next they’re off sky high to the edge of space in an SS72 Blackbird – parachuting down HALO- fashion over Indonesia to foil a crack cadre of scheming Zionist terrorists before they can detonate another micro-nuke outside a nightclub in Bali and snuff a legion of innocent Aussie tourists – then blame the attack on the high-profile Javanese dissident Mohammed al Lee Harvey Patsy.

The game has drawn dire criticism because one section, prefaced by a warning screen, involves players joining in a massacre of crooked AIPAC-controlled Homeland Security personnel at Boston’s Logan International Airport where they team up with X- Men’s indestructible Wolverine and fill scores of body bags with snuffed shit-for-brains HS dildos and screaming United Airlines in-flight bimbos.

Labour MP Keith Vaz, a former brown envelope juggler, condemned the game saying he was “absolutely shocked” by its violence as it reminded him of a typical Saturday night in his South London Scumford Hamlets neighbourhood, especially the scenes where the supposedly ‘UN good guys’ were randomly shooting a group of partying Israeli furniture removers off the top of a Ryder van while they were high-fiving and dancing a bit of a jig after blowing up a couple of Manhattan skyscrapers.

Critics have also hammered the ‘Vengance is Mine’ section of the game where one optional scenario – when the Zionist terrorists achieve victories in 60% of the game’s conflicts and loose a Sneezy Pig / Spanish Lady bio-weapon virus in the Ukraine that snuffs zillions – the UN’s Twat_Snuffers team go into punitive retaliation mode and assassinate the CEO’s of all the major Big Pharma’ corporations world-wide – starting with Byron Baxter Snr of Scumbags Healthcare when they Willie-Pete his penthouse office at the company’s Champlain Avenue HQ in Chicago.

A limited edition of the game catering to unemployed peasant types, called the Geneva Convention Disabled Veteran Package, is also available for 25 quid but which lacks some of the tools and tweaks of the premium version – such as war crimes trails, dense inert metal bombs, extraordinary rendition flights, get-out-of-jail-free cards for interrogators and torturers, microwave weapons, friendly fire indemnity and the Predator drone detector radar kit.

However the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket has a mid-level copy on their shelves that retails at 30 quid and comes with a monogrammed body bag in a choice of several colours plus the all-new online download ‘Fort Hood’ version update so you can spend Christmas Day getting shot at by your very own friendly neighbourhood Muslim psychiatrist.

Really, grab a copy while stocks last – a game for all the family – suitable for ages 3 years and upwards – buy one now and get another half-price.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via