So you want to break up on Valentine’s Day?
There isn’t any other day of the year more romantic to break up on than Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day, after all, celebrates St. Valentine, a priest who secretly married lovers in Rome during the reign of the ruthless emperor named Claudius II, who had outlawed marriage in order to better recruit soldiers for his army.
For his efforts, St. Valentine was imprisoned, clubbed, and eventually beheaded on the date we know today as Valentine’s Day, proving what we already knew… that love can sometimes lead to losing your head.
Short of beheading your significant other, there are many other ways to cut loose of a dead end relationship, and breaking up on or near Valentine’s Day shows an extraordinary amount of courage that any reasonably minded person would and should admire.
For one, the desire to terminate a relationship illustrates an admirable tendency for independence. Breaking up is one way to shout to the world that you’re single and unattached, fair game to the other single and adulterous people you cohabitate with on this sleazy planet.
Breaking up is a loud cry for freedom: freedom from that double load of laundry; freedom from sleeping in the wet spot; freedom from double dates and joint address labels. And who among us doesn’t love freedom? If you don’t, you just might be a Communist.
But breaking up can also be dicey business, best handled with extreme caution, especially breaking up on or around Valentine’s Day. Here are some very helpful hints in breaking off a relationship going nowhere. Following these guidelines may help you avoid a fate like our dear friend, St. Valentine. For optimal results, the tips for breaking up on Valentine’s Day will be separated by gender.
Valentine’s Day Breakup Tip for Women #1
Be sure to empathize with your soon to be ex-boyfriend. No matter how long you’ve dated, he’s most likely gotten used to seeing you as a reliable set of orifices in which he can occasionally fill with his masculine appendage.
This is why I suggest that when you break the news to him that you want out of the relationship, you do so while offering some sort of sensible substitute for his needs. Buy him a blowup doll, or a gift card to Hooters and call it a Valentine’s Day gift.
If your relationship was serious and you want to go that extra mile, rent out one of your girlfriends to him. If she’s a good friend, she won’t mind, and if she protests, just remind her of the hundreds of times she flirted with your boyfriend behind your back.
Valentine’s Day Breakup Tip for Women #2
Write a breakup speech that’s so long and tedious that he’ll fall asleep before you’re even halfway through reading it. When he falls asleep, consider the breakup consummated and get the hell out of there.
And if by some odd miracle he doesn’t fall asleep, be sure to include all the benefits he’ll enjoy from being single. Some examples you may wish to include are: Total control over the remote control, no need to put down the toilet seat, retaining the right to belch and fart in public, etc.
And of course don’t forget to mention that he won’t have to buy you any more Valentine’s Day gifts.
Valentine’s Day Breakup Tip for Women #3
Be a total bitch. Remind him of all the times he couldn’t get it up. Tell him it didn’t matter anyway because the few times he did, he still couldn’t measure up to his best friend and the only reason you know is from personal experience.
Tell him the only six pack he owns is in his fridge. This is perhaps the biggest tip of all. The more of a bitch you are, the easier the breakup will be. With any luck, he’ll throw you out of the house before you can mutter the words, “And you call those testicles?!”
And now for the guys…
Valentines Day Breakup Tip for Men #1
Whatever you do, try not to break up in person on Valentine’s Day. Call her while she’s at work when you know she can’t talk long.
Better yet, if you don’t live together, call her when she’s not home and you’re sure to get an answering machine. When leaving a message, stammer a lot and repeat yourself until the machine cuts you off. The less you say, the better.
Valentine’s Day Breakup Tip for Men #2
If you can’t bring yourself to break up over the phone, invite her to a fancy restaurant and tell her there’s something very important you need to discuss.
She’ll most likely assume you’re proposing since it is Valentine’s Day after all, so her spirits are bound to be high. Be sure to order an extra bottle of wine, and after dinner, gently break the bad news to her, but not before you’ve had the waiter remove all the sharp objects (and the wine bottle) from your table.
Remember, she’s unlikely to kill you in a public place. And if you experience guilt for breaking up with her, at least you fed her. If you both came to the restaurant together and she drove, be sure to call a cab ahead of time. If you drove her to the restaurant, the courteous thing to do is pay her cab fare.
Valentines Day Breakup Tip for Men #3
If you can’t bear to breakup over the phone on Valentine’s Day and if you’re too cheap to shell out some bucks for a nice meal, you can always breakup via letter or email.
Because email is so unreliable, it’s always a good idea to blind carbon copy the email to everyone in your email’s address book, including your priest if you have one.
That way you have witnesses in case she claims to never have gotten the email and carries on like you’ve never broken up with her. In general, the breakup email should be concise and as cold as possible.
You may even want to begin it like a form letter, “To Whom it May Concern” or “Dear Sir or Madam, It is with sincere regret that I inform you that our ____ old relationship has come to an end.” If email is not your cup of tea, you can hand write the standard Dear Joan letter, but if so, the general rule of thumb is the longer the relationship, the shorter the letter should be.
You might have your best luck breaking up on a bar napkin or better yet, the inside of a matchbook. Believe me, she’ll thank you for sparing her feelings.
Hopefully these tips will come in handy for some during this Valentine’s Day. And for those it doesn’t help at all, be sure to take some comfort in knowing that I’ve personally never broken up with anyone on or around Valentine’s Day.
But my miserable unhappy single friends insist that these tips will help anyone attempting to escape the old ball and chain of couple hood.