God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.”

The contibuting author of the best selling novel “The Bible” went on to say how he could understand why primitive humans might have believed in the existence of a Stephen Hawking before the species grasped the intricacies of religious principles and the religious method.

“Before you all understood religion, it would be quite natural for the belief in a Stephen Hawking to take hold among Homo sapiens. However, if you look at the facts, it is clear the universe could not have come about without a deity – like myself – who leaves absolutely no evidence of his existence.”

The poorly groomed heavenly Father ended the press release by saying, “I don’t think I’m crazy. I believe the universe is governed by the laws of religion. And, as of now, there is nothing to say that a Stephen Hawking created nor intervenes in those laws.”