(Hambone, Alabama)–Jimmy was sentenced to 20 years for cracking corn as if no one cared. According to witnesses, Jimmy was observed cracking corn and repeatedly asked to stop, but refused.
“I saw Jimmy sitting over there on that bench cracking corn in front of everybody like a mad man,” said one witness who testified against Jimmy. “If you want to crack corn, that’s your own business, but you shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff in public!” he said.
A long-time friend said that Jimmy was convinced no one cared if he cracked corn or not. “I think back in the 90’s, no one cared if you cracked corn. But times have changed,” she said. When asked if she had ever cracked corn with Jimmy, she declined comment.
Others recall Jimmy’s corn cracking days began after he came back from the Peace Corps. “Jimmy could probably crack corn in the Corps and no one cared. But we’re God-fearing people in Hambone and we don’t cotton to no corn-cracking around here,” said a local pastor.
Not everyone agreed with the verdict. The owner of an adult bookstore just beyond the county line recalls Jimmy well. “Jimmy used to crack corn in here all the time and I didn’t care as long as he bought something. Hell, cracking corn ain’t hurting anybody.”
Jimmy is considered a first time offender, never in any trouble except for a minor curds and whey incident with Miss Muffet, merchandise manager at the local Hobby Lobby. As such, Jimmy will probably be eligible for parole in 7 years with good behavior.
Hambone’s police chief hoped that Jimmy could be rehabilitated in prison. “Jimmy obviously suffers from the inability to comprehend that people care when you crack corn. This ain’t Birmingham. We’re a small town with small town values.”
Also in local news, Peter Pumpkineater was questioned and then released Sunday for kidnapping and false imprisonment of his estranged wife.
According to law enforcement authorities, “That’ll keep that uppity bit*ch in her place!”
There indeed was some corn cracked in the writing of this piece. Traditionally known as corn squeezing, the obscure cracking vernacular just sounds so much more wicked.
I think there was some other type of crack going on when this was written.
Gotta stop cracking that stuff, man! It will fry yer brain.
Just say no to corn cracking.
Jimmy had a good run but let this be a lesson to the kids out there – if you crack corn, the words going to get out sooner or later. Poor bastard.