Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years

According to sources, newborn Daniel Briggs could face up to 75 years.

For the duration of his sentence, he is to live in an environment where people are known to be arbitrarily cruel, outrageously hypocritical and condemn others on the basis of race, lifestyle, gender, nationality, beliefs and status.

During his stretch, Briggs is likely to get the idea that he will be better off if he succumbs to the pressure of participating in a ritual to swear allegiance to others, namely to one person for the rest of his life.

“There’s also the matter of institutionalization,” said psychologist Dr. Angie Bruckner. “This could cause him to chase money, trends, possessions, take advantage of people or any number of things to adapt to his surroundings.”

Experts say Briggs is likely to become a tragic product of his environment, driven to inflict pain upon others in response to the pain that will have been dealt him in a self-perpetuating cycle of destruction to himself and others.

However, history has shown that with good behavior, such as telling people to love one another and live in peace, one’s sentence can be drastically reduced.

Author: Rusty Shackleford

Rusty Shackleford is a comedy writer typing away from a bunker in an undisclosed location.

8 thoughts on “Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years

  1. Marc Maron. Huh. Didn’t know anybody else had him on their radar. He’s not LOL funny, but he’s very clever. Smart.

  2. Yes! The anomalies are out there and make this world a better place. I like to think we writers here are among those anomalies. Also, sorry this was a downer, but-

    “Sometimes it’s not about the funny. Sometimes it’s about the sad.” -Marc Maron

Comments are closed.