Categorized | Society, Strange People

Record Number of Muslims Converting to Hispanic

Record Number of Muslims Converting to Hispanic

In the early 20th century, the rage was anglosizing. Making your immigration feel seamless by pretending to be from a different part of Europe. Today it’s gone beyond the color barrier, and many Muslims would just rather be mistaken for Mexicans.

Muhammed “Jesus” Abdullah explained that, “it only took me six-months to learn enough Spanish to pass. Adjust my moustache, buy a different car and ‘Gordo!’ I’m basically Guatamalan.

Muslim-Americans of middle-eastern decent are too often mistaken for terrorists, rather than the people who fled the terrorist regimes. This is an unfair characterization, but in some neighborhoods, unavoidable.

“It’s nice,” says Aamir “Hector” bin Abbas. “The [local bigots] call the police on me because they think I’m illegal, but that’s so mucho better than calling [the Department of] Homeland Security. The police just check my papers and cut me loose.”

These stories are not isolated. Abdul “Alejandro” Hassan was a heart surgeon before fleeing Iraq in 2003. He now spends two days a week in the parking lot of Home Depot looking to make some extra cash.

Hassan, who owns a successful accounting firm in the San Fernando valley explained that “The Gringexicans [slang term for Mexican-Americans] think it’s strange that we bring prayer rugs and face Mecca so often, but we’re very hard workers, and sometimes I just enjoy the time out in the sun,” adding, “I also do concrete.”

Fatima “María José” al Jihad told Glossy News that, “It’s not just the men who do it. We paint on eyebrows with Sharpie pens and spend time at the bodega talking about Ranchero music and buying corn tortillas,” adding, “I don’t even like corn tortillas, but it’s better than dealing with anti-Muslim sentiments.”

For-profit college University of Phoenix is rumored to have an upcoming ESL course that also teaches Spanish, specifically targeting Muslims. A leaked internal memo explains, “Many continuing education students from a variety of darkish races may wish to learn how to present as more Hispanic [sic], and this course… will provide that, for a price.”

Companion courses are rumored to be in the works which will teach Hispanics to be more Filipino, Filipinos to be more Chinese, Chinese to be more Japanese, and Japanese to be more white.

Not all Hispanics are taking this movement lightly. Marco Rubio (R-FL) explains that the social hierarchy exists for a reason, and Hispanics had served their period of social oppression. “Not only have Hispanics earned the right of social ascension, but Muslims have to pay their dues. Besides, Hispanics don’t need any new stereotypes, for example, we all reek of garbanzo beans. Or something like that.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: We did not mean to imply that “Muslim” and “Hispanic” are equivalent. They are not. Hispanic is a creed like Caucazoid, Muslim is a sexual orientation like Puerto Rican. Hope this clears up any confusion.


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Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.


3 Responses to “Record Number of Muslims Converting to Hispanic”

  1. rfreed says:

    That is so they can get across our border, blow us up and then the blame goes to the cartels. Clever!

  2. Ibrahim says:

    To rfreed:

  3. Orlando Rosario says:

    Jews did the same thig when they came to America they westernize their names to Smith , Jones and White because of the racism. They totally assimilated even eating the foods that were forbidden to them, e.g. pork and establishing their own country clubs cause they were not accepted. It was a little easier for them to blend in and only change their names because they were Europeans Caucasians, allot more difficult for people of color and especially Muslims. I do know allot of Muhammads who short their names to Mo, Samir -Sam etc. etc. Really…when Muslims do it these right wing fanatics say we practice Taqiya. We must please Allahu ta Ala but when persecuted for your faith you got to do what has to be done to survive and safeguard yourself, your family and your Deenul Islam (way of life). Hispanics/Muslim have a interesting history starting with Andalusia Spain and the Expulsion ( Ethnic Cleansing) as well as the Spanish Inquisitions. Yes I know it's satire…but like they say in comedy there is truth! Mas Salaam


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