BURLINGTON, VT—Yesterday, neighborhood cat, Nella Watson, revealed that she’s finally on the road to recovery after a long battle with Catnip Abuse.
When asked what started her addiction to what’s colloquially referred to as “Nip” in the Feline community, Nella claims that being held like a prisoner in her own home led her down the path of abuse and Nip addiction.
“Do you even know the last time I saw a real mouse?” Nella asked members of the Pet Paparazzi, who gathered outside her South Burlington home late Friday, “Or how many birds and squirrels mock me through the window every day? It’s humiliating.”
Eventually, Nella’s addiction was impossible to hide from her long-time owner, Ashley Watson, who “works” from home. Watson knew something was wrong when Nella started chasing her tail and clawing at the floor, as if she was trying to dig a hole in the middle of the living room.
“At first, I thought she was just trying to get me to pay attention to her,” said Watson, who could barely peel her eyes away from an episode of “Studio 60” long enough to speak to reporters, “but one morning during breakfast, I looked down and her pupils were as big as quarters. She was higher than a poet on payday.”
In a recent interview for Kith and Kitten Quarterly, Nella revealed how hard it is to have such a neurotic owner. “I didn’t even want an owner in the first place, but the SPCA didn’t see it that way and sent me home with this neurotic writer who honestly needs to have children soon, before she starts to dress me up in doll’s clothes.”
Nella claims that her Catnip use was innocent at first, but quickly turned into a month-long bender, most of which she doesn’t remember. “I was so whacked out on the Nip, I couldn’t even remember where my litter box was,” Nella recalls some of her worst moments. “Ashley should be thankful that I used Catnip to take the edge off instead of puking in her bed or shredding the furniture like most cats would do.”
According to Nella’s outdoor friends, being an “indie” cat (slang for indoor cat) is not all that glamorous. “You people think indies got it made because they sleep all day and get their meals handed to them on a stainless steel platter. It ain’t that orange and white, homie.”
Nella said it was “too f**ing easy” to hide her Nip addiction from her clueless owner, until the morning munchies became too routine for Watson to ignore. “I would take a few hits early in the morning before Ashley woke up, and I was in the clear. But when I crashed I always got the munchies—I had no choice but to wake her at 6am to feed me, and that’s when she got suspicious.”
When Watson realized that Nella had a problem, she flushed all the Catnip down the toilet. “It was painful to watch,” Nella shudders, “but I knew I’d just have to find other ways to get my fix.” And she did.
Nella started slipping Watson’s new roommate a fiver under the door whenever Watson got on the computer to write, or even better, started a new TV series, which gave Nella loads of time to make the deal. Nella never dreamed she’d get caught, especially by an informant disguised as a chummy roommate, “I couldn’t believe that guy narcked on me, but I got even, I peed on his bed. Have you ever tried to get that smell out? It’s impossible.” Nella chuckles.
Even if Nella’s Nip abuse started like most, with the innocent question, “What’s the harm?” or the classic lie to oneself, “Cats do it all the time,” Nella regrets all the pain and worry she caused everyone. “Sure, I think about taking a hit every now and then,” she admits, “but I’ve come too far to turn back now.”
Tomorrow will mark two weeks of sobriety for Nella. Her sponsor—the golden lab down the street, who was addicted to Snausages In a Blanket for three years—will give Nella the two-week silver mouse of sobriety. “It’s not real silver,” Leftie explains, “we used to give cloth ones until cats kept ripping them open to see if there was Nip inside.” Leftie says he’s proud of Nella for making it this far, but he really doesn’t have the confidence that she’ll make it past two weeks.
When asked for a final comment, Nella licked in between her legs and hid underneath the futon for an afternoon nap.