NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.
Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. “I can’t think of a better legal mind or a person that these folks in Louisiana can relate to than Judge Judy,” said Obama. “She is going to cut through the bullsh*t (excuse my Cajun) and make sure that the $20 billion only goes to those who have legitimate claims.”
Already, Judge Judy has taken a precursory look at some of the claims filtering through the government claims office and admits it is going to be a formidable task to separate the wheat from the chaff or as she likes to put it, “the oil from the water,” but she is willing to take that task on.
“For instance,” said Judge Judy, “do you know how many claims have already been filed for ridiculous sums of money for what we are calling ‘flip-flop’ claims?” These are claims that beachgoers have filed who have gotten tar balls on their flip-flops, claiming they were designer flip-flops that can’t be cleaned by ordinary methods. “Give me a friggin’ break,” she says as she takes her glasses off and wipes them purposefully. “Here’s a clue,” she continued, “we are pretty much aware of what a pair of $5 flip-flops from Wal-Mart looks like, so save us and yourself a bunch of time and just keep your claims to yourself.”
Said one potential claimant, an out-of-work shrimper, “man, with Judge Judy at the helm, I’m pretty sure I better have my eyes crossed and my t’s dotted cause I been watchin’ her on tv, what with nuthin’ else to do these days, and I can tell you that she doesn’t let nobody slip nuthin’ past her.”