May 14, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding.
It is still too early to speak definitively, but if that busboy is correct, the United States’ longest and most costly war is nearing an end.
An open secret in this sleepy Latin American town, high level negotiations have been ongoing for several days between puritanical US forces and the ever present need among ‘Gringos’ to get more stoned than a drag queen in Iran.
According to Arturo the busboy, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton didn’t eat much of her salad, and is holding a hard line for Midwest urban areas. In a Glossy News exclusive with aid of GNN associate Consuela Lopez, who seemed to get along a lot better with Arturo than she was asked to, my opinion anyway, the following secret documents are presented.
In the proposed treaty, it’s already conceded that Drugs gets the entire west and east coast of the United States. Also, and especially, Florida.
The point of contention remains to casual observers in the Midwest over the lucrative methamphetamine market. Drugs is willing to cease hostility and surrender dominion over all Mexican cities frequented by Spring breakers and generally any Caucasian vacation destination in exchange for St. Louis, Chicago and Atlanta.
According to Arturo, who Consuela was never encouraged to exchange phone numbers with, I’m just saying? Peace between the US and Drugs now hangs on Colorado mostly. It seems Midwest cities can be divided to the satisfaction of all parties, but the ‘Centennial State’ seems to loom large in this uneasy and longed for stalemate.
This reporter was told by Under Assistant Secretary of People Who Can be Fired and Have Things Blamed On, this is really about Colorado. Ms. Dona Delgado, who is really, really hot said, “Drugs just wants the marijuana and prescription med abuse trade, but Colorado is a swing state in the Electoral College, so who knows? Hey, you’re kind of cute in a weird sort of way. Want to get a beer, or something?”