Order Restored After Outbreak of Hypochondria

New Glarus, WI (GlossyNews) — Normalcy has returned to this Midwestern town, after a tense weekend some won’t forget. According to sources, trouble began when Insurance salesman Howard Sprague left work with a bad cold on Thursday.

Flora Baker, owner of Flora’s Florals, says she sensed nothing of the coming storm when delivering a balloon bouquet to the Sprague residence Friday evening. “No, same old Howard; I don’t know how Jane puts up with him. I could hear him whining, things like ‘I need my pillow fluffed’ and ‘I can’t reach the remote’ so no, I had no warning.”

As the story has now been reconstructed, it appears things went awry after the ailing Sprague watched DHC’s popular “Mystery Diagnosis.” The broadcast ended at 9:00 and 911 records show the first call came at 9:13.

Dispatcher Maria Lopez said, “He call here saying send ambulance. I ask why, he say Dengue fever. So I dispatch, and EMT say ‘Ha ha big joke, nobody in Wisconsin has Dengue fever’ and hangs up. Then, then? Mr. Sprague calls back 9:40 and say he have Pulmonary artery tumor! So I know better this time, I tell him no EMT for tumors. Then he call back at 10:05 wants me to send Coroner. I tell him, I’m gonna tell Sheriff on you, don’t call no more!”

Doug Brown, owner of Doug’s Drugs, said his first Sprague call came around 10:18. “Howard’s always been excitable. I told him it sounded like a cold, thought it was over.” In the next call Sprague was pleading for a ‘little bit of everything’ from the Pharmacy, as a matter of life and death. “I told him I’d be right over if I could get my car started, and then unplugged the phone.”

Sheriff Jarrod Barkley, on returning from a run over cow call, snapped into action. “Howard’s fine, if you understand him. We played Little League together. Every time he’d strike out, he’d stand there at the plate and cry. I asked Jane to fix him up with his laptop in bed, and he looked up diseases on WebMD until he fell asleep. Then Jane took the battery out of his cell phone; problem solved.”

Mr. Sprague is now feeling better and back at work. He currently believes his mysterious ailment was caused by volcanic ash.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.