UK householders could be fined millions of pounds and face up to five years in one of Her Majesty’s overcrowded ‘sodomite paradise’ prisons if they throw food scraps and potato peelings into their wheelie bins under the EU’s draconic new ‘zero waste’ policy.
Residents will be henceforth forced to sift through their rubbish for anything that can be recycled, reused, rotted, burnt for electricity, given to Oxfam, sold at a car boot or advertised on eBay.
The crackdown will create so much recycleable material that homes could be given even more of the ubiquitous multi-coloured wheelie bins and waste boxes to put the assortment of shit and garbage into.
The controversial zero waste policy – part of the EU Federation’s totalitarian drive to cut greenhouse gas emissions (but not jobsworth bureaucracy) and save the polar bears – will be unveiled tomorrow by the Minister for Old Tat – Mr Hillary Binn.
The plans are due to be outlined at a ‘Waste Summit’ to be convened in Katmandu in the Himalayas this November and aimed at finding new ways to halve the 62 zillion tons of rubbish dispatched to landfill sites across the UK each year.
The EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money will discuss the issue with the Dalai Lama, then councils, businesses and waste experts from the pikey scavenger ‘off-the-books’ community.
Yesterday, Mr Binn said the Government would launch a programme early next year banning food, unexploded bombs, cans, dead cats, nuclear waste, paper, glass, U2 CD’s and posters of Bono from landfill sites.
Homes that persistently break the rules by putting food waste in the ordinary wheelie bin could face heavy fines and community service orders- and eventually prison sentences for repeat offenders – such as Alzheimer’s-stricken pensioners.
“One thing we will start around the turn of the year is banning certain things from going into landfill sites” Binn told an interviewer from the Bureaucratic Bullshit Gazette.
“I mean, does it make sense to put good food into wheelie bins and then onto landfill sites when some poor bugger’s starving in Ethiopia or Darfur? No it doesn’t – so they can parcel the left-overs up and send it off to feed some famished darkie or whatever – and the same’s going to apply to the Chew and Spew fast food outlets and Dodgy Dorothy’s Poxy Pizza Huts also with their left-over stodge.”
Getting carried away by the sound of his own voice and suffering a bout of verbal diarrhoea, Minister Binn further proclaimed “I think we should go back to having every household keep a couple of pigs who can eat the waste food and garden cuttings – then all we have to get rid of is the pigshit – and that can be used for garden compost or generating electricity.”
This latter idea of Mister Binn’s falls under his plan to generate electricity from household waste. Rotting food – and ripe pigshit – release methane – a potent greenhouse gas which can be burnt to create electricity. All the back-yard power station needs is a gas engine, AC generator and power poles and cables to connect it to the national grid – all available at B & Q – with a guaranteed government subsidy.
Earlier this year, the Daily Shitraker highlighted how the rise of wheelie bins is blighting British streets and homes and fuelling arson attacks from pyromaniac yobs after they’ve been on their 12 pints nightly bender of Old Headbanger or Bitch Thumper lager.
Regardless of this budding conflagration risk, under Mr. Binn’s plans all UK householders will be lumbered with a standard black wheelie bin for ‘ordinary’ (sic) waste, a green bin for garden waste, a red bin for vegetable peelings, *** a blue bin for cardboard, a purple bin for deceased pets, a yellow bin for used condoms, tampons, kotex, panty liners and undissolved pessaries – and a pink box for 12 types of recycleable items such as worn-out sex toys, leather bondage equipment, defunct TV remotes, stolen cellphones and coathangers.
An extra ‘brown’ bin will be needed for kitchen slops and piggy wiggy shite to generate renewable energy from methane in the compulsary back garden power station.
*** As of 01/01/2010 it will be a criminal offence to flush dead – or live – household pets such as goldfish, hamsters, gerbils and budgeriegars down the toilet.
Do you think this is the EU’s most stupid idea since their last stupid idea? Do you think Pigshit Power will put E-on or British Gas out of business? How many more bins do you think you can use? Would you like to own the bin that Rin-Tin-Tin shit in? Does anyone remember the iconic Rag and Bone Man? – Steptoe and Son had the recycling thing done and dusted while the EU was more at scent than substance.
Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win your very own landfill site, a designer pigsty and a methane-friendly Chinese generator plant.
Allergy warning: this article was written in a nut-infested environment and may contain traces of recycled lunacy.