Europe Bans Pregnancy Cheese

A supermarket has apologised to one of its teenage female customers after she was told she could not buy mature Cheddar cheese due being pregnant.

Candida Muffitch, a 15-year old schoolgirl currently studying for her A-Level exams in Benefit Fraud and Basic Counterfeiting, asked for a quarter pound of the mature cheese at the deli’ section of a Pukesbury’s store in Smegmadale last week.

But the deli’ counter serving slapper told Ms Muffitch she couldn’t sell her the Cheddar claiming “Yer can’t eat dis while yer up der duff girlie – it’ll make yer twat go all mouldy and shit like that an’ kill yer baby.”

“It sez so right ‘ere on the back of the effin’ packet see – if yer can effin’ read – new EU effin’ rules an’ all that.”

Ms Muffitch’s mother Rita told a reporter from the Cheese Eating Monkeys Gazette “It’s the EU nanny state goin’ crazy again – they’ve kicked ‘laissez-faire‘ right in the teeth an’ now it’s more at ‘Big Bully’ than ‘Big Brother’.”

“Some crap-for-brains slag workin’ on the deli counter in Pukesbury’s is no medical expert or gynaecologist an’ definitely not qualified to start handin’ out medical advice to me daughter wot needs her calcium with bein’ preggers an’ expectin’ quadruplets.”

Candida told the media “Wot a patronising cow this woz tellin’ me I can’t buy the cheese cos it’s not good fer pregnant women.”

“What the fuck does she know – so I tells her like “It’s not fer me clever clogs – it’s fer me Gran an’ she’s 96 an’ definitely not up the tub – so she sez “Yer better bring yer Gran in then – now fuck off” – just the response yer expect at the Grotty Grocers but not Pukesbury’s- it’s supposed to be all polite an’ professional – like wot yer see in the adverts on the telly.”

Conversely Pukesbury’s spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble informed Pox News the supermarket chain did not have a policy of refusing the sale of goods on those grounds and specifically the issue of strong / mature cheeses – that they might be unsuitable for pregnant women – who were quite free to stack their shopping trolleys with as much cheap plonk, hard liquor, aspartame-loaded soft drinks and addictive rhubarb as they liked.

“Really, this thing with strong cheese affecting pregnancies is an old wives’ tale rehashed under these new EU health regulations. It simply states on the reverse side of the new packs that unpasturised mature cheese might cause an adverse reaction if eaten during early pregnancy.”

“If pregnant teenage girls want to miscarry or self-abort with cheese, then it’s up to them. Personally I don’t give a flying fook what they do.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via

1 thought on “Europe Bans Pregnancy Cheese

  1. Oh my gentle jumping jehosafat that’s a nasty chunk of cheesiest cheese! I’d never eat it if I was the last man on earth and that was all I had to eat.


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