A Smegmadale Jewish priest, Rabbi Sheldon Scrunt, dialled 999 when staff at Manchester Airport’s W H Smuts bookstore would not allow him to use the toilet, then subsequently shit kittens when the plods turned up and arrested him for making a nuisance emergency services call.
He was later released with a good slap round the head after pleading extenuating circumstances for making his call as he suffered from an enlarged prostate and also chronic IBS due his rhubarb addiction.
This was one of many “frivolous” calls made to Greater Manchester Police during the summer which dealt with 5,000 emergency reports over Christmas alone.
The force has urged the public not to dial 999 for “ridiculous or barmpot” reasons.
One woman dialled triple nine to complain she was unable to get through to Strictly Come Dancing to vote for Tom Chambers in the final so the obliging operator phoned her vote through instead.
(Mr. Chambers later collapsed after suffering a massive fart attack while demonstrating the Loughborough Limbo and underwent an emergency on-site colostomy, performed by an attending RSPCA vet’)
While a hoax caller reported Santa was breaking into a Wythenshawe house with Rudolf, police also received a 999 call from a man who complained staff at Asbo Ronnie’s Chew & Spew had wrongly put mushrooms and anchovies on his pizza then told him to go and fuck spiders when he complained.
Emergency services responded within the hour by ram-raiding the offending Ronnie’s outlet with a Land Rover and knee-capping all staff before burning the building to the ground. A police spokesman told the media “Fuckin’ anchovies: we hate the bastard things.”
A Bench Hill mother of three, 16 year old Slitzy McTwat, rang triple nine to seek assistance in performing CPR on her children’s pet squirrel that was discovered on the porch in a comatose state.
Attending anti-terrorist squad officers, who happened to be in the neighbourhood on a mingin moggy hunt, appraised the situation and informed the distraught woman the squirrel wasn’t dead but had gone into seasonal hibernation mode.
The officer then proved his point by shooting it with a Taser which resulted in the animal ricocheting round the room several times before disappearing up the chimney.
One Moss Side Afro pole dancing slapper rang 999 on Christmas Eve to file a complaint of GBH after her bikini line Brazilian waxing session had gone totally overboard and torn out both her labial chastity piercings. Once again officers faithfully responded to the call and loaned the distressed female a pair of stainless steel handcuffs as a temporary replacement.
I don’t get what the idiot comment is about. If you don’t like something just say what it is. I don’t like it’s about 999 when my brain wants it to be 911. there I said it.
And please let me comment as well. It is not (Potty) Patti and I am not a satire stalker. I hope I don’t get blamed for every person who has an opinion. Pleez enough?
Rusty, let me field this one for you. Sam isn’t a real person. Everyone knows SAM is a surface to air missile. As long as you’re soaring it’s only his nature to try to shoot you down.
Meh, critics. No biggy.
Absolutely Sam – or are you actually Sam Snr. – or Sam Jnr. – viz Son of Sam – or related / inbreed brother of Potty Patti the infamous Satire Stalker?
But is Rusty an idiot? – oh yes – and even certified as totally insane by your very own Department of Defence (English spelling).
Good spotting buddy – you should be working for the morons at Homeland Insecurity.
Send me one of yer skits (satires/parodies) and I’ll post something nasty for you too.
Go well- and West – young man – and enjoy Halloween.
Rusty is an idiot