Doctors across the country are warning everyone close to the President to watch for signs of spontaneous combustion due to the heat he is receiving after Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report reveals there were crimes committed by Trump during the 2016 elections.
The reports come a day after a man reportedly lit himself on fire in view of the White House. Another man attempted to light himself on fire last week as well. It is recommended that this is too extreme an action to take because you may disagree with your elected leader. The report goes on to advise anyone contemplating these drastic measures find other outlets for their anger.
Meanwhile, Dr. Willie Orwonte, a forensic scientist who has extensively studied dozens of instances where spontaneous combustion at hospitals have been reported, issued a special statement advising “this could be an omen of what is to come in the very near future.” He continued, “it appears this guy is said to be hot as Hades over the report and could lead to serious and unintended danger.”
Upon hearing this, many more prominent paranormal investigators across the country have chimed in on this spectacular speculation. It appears that spontaneous combustion, although very rare, is a real phenomenon, and they fear the President, and possibly those standing in close proximity to him, are in danger of becoming engulfed in flames at any time during the next week due to the intense heat aimed at the President after Robert Mueller gave a brief news briefing and then promptly resigned his position as Special Counsel.
One investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, stated “this may just be another scare tactic; however it could develop into a case of the moth flying too close to the flame out of morbid curiosity.”
Due to calls for impeachment, special measures have been enacted to assure an event such as this does not take place. Housekeeping aides assigned to the President, specifically the Presidential Chef, have been warned to be on the lookout for any signs of a warming in his demeanor. The first step has been taken as the Chef repeated a familiar phrase “If he can’t stand the heat, he must stay out of my kitchen.”
As further precautions come to light, we will keep the public informed. Those who are scheduled to meet with the President in the immediate future have been advised to wear fireproof clothing in case the inevitable does happen.
In addition, we have learned that fire trucks have been assigned to round-the-clock surveillance of the President especially during news briefings to assure the safety of the President, as well as those closest to him.
More as we get it.