StrangleCorp has announced its intention to bid on the Navy’s Electromagnetic Railgun Project after the current testing cycle is complete. “We’ve been watching BAE System’s and General Atomics’ progress through the prototype stage very closely and we’re pretty confident that we can win the Navy contract against such crappy competition,” said StrangleCorp COO Sal O’Graves.
“Besides, the Navy almost lost that project after a congressional subcommittee decided to ax it last summer. We pulled some strings and all I have to say to the Navy is…well, you’re welcome.”
The rail gun is an electromagnetic weapon designed to hurl a projectile great distances at hypersonic speeds by using an electrical current to make the weapon behave like a big electromagnet. By passing current through “rails” and a projectile, a force is induced which can hurl a solid object big enough to ruin your day from a 100 miles away. StrangleCorp acquired designs for its first prototype in the 1950’s while working with Australian physicist Sir Mark Oliphant.
Suspicious that major military powers would covet the device, StrangleCorp’s former CEO, Bill Strangle, suggested to Sir Oliphant that the weapon be designated as a “scientific instrument”. This drew scrutiny and oversight away from the project, allowing StrangleCorp to work in relative secrecy for 50 years developing a new generation of EM weapon. Current StrangleCorp CEO, Will Strangle, says he is, “Finally ready to lift the veil of secrecy like a stripper’s skirt hem and give everyone a peek inside…for a price.”
StrangleCorp Lead Researcher, Dr. Gunter Chang, suggests that the StrangleCorp prototype is superior to the competition in a number of ways. “From what technical information I’ve stolen…I mean read….competitive designs are energy hogs running at 33 megajoules a shot. Not to give away any company secrets, but I’m confident we could get in a dozen shots at that price. ‘How’, you may ask? Volume! That’s right and we’ll pass the savings right on to you,” said Chang excitedly. “Why would we even do this? Because we’re crrraaaaaazy!” he added before the interview faded to black.
A saner but much more menacing O’Graves added other competitive shortcomings to the list, including “melting the projectile to mush from friction” as well as the weapon’s rate of fire. “Hell, as slow as their prototypes fire, you’d be better off melting it down and making machine gun bullets,” he laughed.
“We’re working on a design that vastly improves rate of fire. If the information we hacked from the European Council for Nuclear Research’s particle accelerator is accurate, then neutrinos really can travel faster than light. If we can make a bullet out of neutrinos, eventually we can get a projectile to target BEFORE it’s actually fired. That saves ammo…and we pass the savings on to you,” O’Graves said before firing a pistol into the air and announcing, “Get the hell out of here! Interview’s over!”
More on this story as it fails to develop.
Story previously published at StrangleCorp.com.