HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. The secret was how to capture this perpetual and never-ending source of energy. One day I was driving by a group of rabid homophobes, standing on the corner protecting their marriages, and it dawned on me. All I need to do is bottle that energy known as hatred and racism, and our dependence on foreign oil would evaporate.”
Dr. Lafitte’s new “green” invention works as follows: Gay people and minorities are equipped with a simple device called a Rage-o-Meter. Then, they go about their daily business, flouncing around town and having babies and such, while bigots give them the evil eye and inwardly, or outwardly, rage. Every time a minority walks or drives by a bigot, the Rage-o-Meter captures the bigot’s “aura” or negative energy. When the device is full, the minority takes it to any conveniently located service center and plugs it into an energy gathering device that automatically drains the Rage-o-Meter, then deposits money into the minority’s bank account.
The system is set to go nationwide as the repercussions from a California Judge’s ruling become evident that annuls the Proposition 8 initiative institutionalizing hatred in the so-called “Land of the Free”. That ruling, along with the mess in Arizona and the Republican charge for a race war, puts bigotry and hatred in overdrive in the US. So finally, the Gays, African-Americans, Mexicans, and even the homeless folks can enjoy the wealth of hatred America never seems to run out of.
“As minorities become more wealthy and powerful, the bigots increase their rage level creating more and more energy. It’s the elusive perpetual motion machine that never stops, and everybody benefits, ” claims Dr. Lafitte. “But how?” asks Tawdry Soup, “Do the bigots benefit?” Dr. Lafitte replied, “They get a Rage-o-Meter, sit in front of the TV and watch Fox News all day. They can soak up plenty of negative energy that way.” There is one drawback to the otherwise ingenious device: Wearing a Rage-O-Meter to a Tea Party gathering can result in explosion of the Rage-o-Meter and serious injury to anyone wearing it.