WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight.
“Why is Joe Barton being allowed to keep his job, when Joe Barton apologized to a corporation that is destroying my home town’s economy, and is destroying the environment across the Gulf Coast?” Scarborough asked Eric Cantor this morning.
Cantor fought back and reiterated that Barton “is not the issue.” He emphasized that stopping the oil spill was the only real issue that mattered in the debate. But Scarborough pointed out that Barton’s comments were not simply the misconstrued, off-the-cuff sentiments of a former oil company executive, but the precise recitation of prepared remarks.
“This hurts the Republican Party,” Scarborough continued. “This hurts the Republican brand. Joe Barton is the most powerful Republican on the Hill when it comes to energy policy, and that shows his mindset. Does it not?”
Scarborough’s mystification was mirrored by other prominent GOP members. But Scarborough, more than these policy makers in Washington, is vitally instrumental in shaping public opinion. Not only does he enjoy popularity as a successful morning talk show host, he also boasts a strong resume as a tenured Representative in Florida’s 1st District. His dissent bolstered the outrage against Barton and the Republican Party, which took no serious action against the congressman.
Having been placed in such a compromising position, Republican Party leaders appealed to Dick Cheney for guidance. Cheney’s solution, while unorthodox, is now considered the best approach for mitigating the damage Joe Barton has visited upon the beleaguered GOP.
Internal communications between RNC Chairman Michael Steele and the former vice president reveal that Cheney is enlisting the help of well-known apologist Harry Whittington, the Texas attorney Cheney gunned down in a “hunting accident” that occurred on February 11, 2006. Whittington was hit in the face, neck and torso by Cheney while he was attempting to locate a bird he had shot. The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department gave the following summary of the incident: “Whittington downed a bird and went to retrieve it. While he was out of the hunting line, another covey was flushed and Cheney swung on a bird and fired, striking Whittington in the face, neck and chest.”
Despite the various controversies and loose ends associated with the shooting, Whittington achieved notoriety by famously apologizing to Cheney, the man who filled his face full of buckshot. After six days of hospitalization, Whittington told reporters, “My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with.”
“The ease with which Whittington assumed blame for causing his shooter any inconvenience makes him the perfect apologist,” Steele said. And Whittington, it seems, has a long history of apologizing for Republicans. As a member of the Texas Office of Patient Protection Executive Committee, he apologized for lack of compliance with federal health laws. As a member of the Texas Department of Corrections, he apologized for the state’s unconstitutional treatment of prisoners. In that same role, he also offered apologies for executing mentally retarded people.
“Whittington’s a stand up guy,” Cheney said in an interview. “He’ll say sorry for any atrocity we can cook up.”
Cheney also announced that Whittington will soon embark on a speaking tour of the U.S. where he will apologize to Joe Barton, Joe Scarborough, Tony Hayward, Deep Horizon’s dead, Arizona, Jesus, the citizens living in the Gulf states, General Stanley McChrystal, the Catholic Church, the sexual abuse victims of the Catholic Church, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Wall Street, General Motors and, inexplicably, the good people of Hollister, Calif.
Insiders also expect Whittington to offer a belated apology to Bernard Madoff on behalf of all the lawyers who ruined his empire and, thus, the foundation of American free market capitalism.
Nice to know that “the Big Dick” is still gainfully employed.