Smelly Corners, LA (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s recent visit to the Gulf Coast was billed as a chance for the Commander in Chief to assess the damage caused by the massive oil spill, but a top White House aid says that there may have been another reason for the trip.
“He went there to whip the oil into shape and rouse the leak into closing,” the aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He figured if he could get Republicans to vote for him in 2008, a health care bill pushed through during 2009, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ repealed in 2010, he should be able to talk an oil spill back into the ground.”
“This president has amazing charisma,” MSNBC’s liberal pundit Keith Olbermann said. “There’s no limit to what he’s capable of when you put a microphone in front of him, so yeah, I believe he might just be able to convince the oil to dissipate.”
According to the aid, who was present during Obama’s stern lecture to the oil, the President highlighted reasons to keep itself out of the water, out of trouble and back in its natural habitat.
“He told the oil that it could accomplish anything if it put its mind to it, like powering cars, trucks and airplanes or helping to prevent future wars by reducing our dependence on its foreign brethren,” the aid said, becoming teary eyed. “It was a really inspiring and rousing speech, in spite of the fact it was given to a non-sentient being.”
While Democrats are praising the President’s tough talk to the oil, not everyone is convinced his powers as an orator will be at all helpful. “Of course he can’t clean up the oil by fucking talking to it, that’s absurd,” environmental specialist Gary Chittim said. “That’s just as ridiculous as saying that the Earth is only 2000 years old or that we’re all the lost souls of aliens from another galaxy. It’s all self-delusional nonsense.”
Meanwhile Republicans are using the incident as a sign that the President has lost his way. “If he can’t talk down some wimpy black liquid, how is he supposed to protect us from terrorists and China?” conservative Ann Coulter asked. “Reagan could have coaxed this spill back into its hole with one had behind his back. And he was basically brain dead throughout his Presidency.”
“Obviously this is a signal that Obama is the worst President we have ever had,” former President George W. Bush said. “Never in the history of this country has a president so mishandled a disaster that was man made. Natural disasters, well that’s another story.”