OCEAN CITY – Family, relatives, and friends are in mourning after a man announced he does not give a damn about life, the universe, or anything.
Morgan Carlyle, 46, made the announcement as he left his job at Burger Blast on Saturday, and has since been cooped up in his apartment by city hall, where he is attempting to avoid speaking to the press.
Recorded audio of the fateful moment reveals Carlyle’s blunt message to the country. “The simple reality is, I just don’t give a damn anymore. Nothing is going to change that — not even ecstasy.”
Carlyle’s wife Lucy says she has made multiple attempts to make him give a damn, offering sex, cuddling, and even a one week limit on her credit card expenditures, but the stoic Morgan remains adamant.
In an interview with local news, advice counselor Laurence Taubman said Carlyle’s condition may in fact be due to reverse psychology. “What we see in some cases is a person who desperately wants to give a damn but is unable to safely communicate this want, and thus acts as if they do not to stave off the mental pressure.”
Despite Carlyle’s commitment to his position, he may face legal action if no change of heart occurs. Under an executive order passed by the leader of the Maryland Socialist Workers Party, Governor Martin O’Malley, anyone who refuses to give a damn for a period exceeding 30 days may be subject to a $100,000 fine and up to five years in prison.
Sources say Clark Gable is happy to be in Heaven, where he is out of Maryland’s reach.