MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks.
Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!
“I want to thank and honor those who heeded my Prince’s missive to attend this announcement. Good job, B*dict – almost everything you do helps,” He said with a smile.
Continuing on, He said “I understand that you all have a very busy schedule and many were not able to attend. I have been long with you, my people, here on My Earth and I know that there is dire need to be able to keep up with what you describe as your “rat race”. Believe me when I say that I sympathize with you. My Earth has suffered the slings and arrows…well, you know the play.” He finished.
“As to the Burning World Bible Tablet,” he motioned to the displayed models on a stone by his side, “I have been prayerfully reminded by my Prayer Battalion, again and again, that there is a major need to approach My Words in a more modern way that will cause more people to read what I have had to say over Earth’s Saga. And it truly is a saga, I say with a heavy heart.”
Holding up a Burning World Bible Tablet as if a sacrament, “This is, I must remind you up front, a beginning version of project 2000 (5761 Jewish) (1420 Islamic). My Heavenly Programmers have spent many a sleepless nano-second laboring through all My texts and My personal writings, whether in the Good Book itself, or in the Dead Sea Scrolls, even on all those answers to all those little prayers stuck into the niches of the Wall on Temple Mount. And that is in the multiple millions, if you count all the duplicates that had to be answered. Oy.”
He smiled with benevolence, “I jest. But I keep My Word. I said to my Prayer Battalion that I would answer all prayers and I won’t fail. My Burning World Bible Tablet should make it much more relevant to all My people. Live conferencing is about to be instituted. Of course the video will run old DeMille movie scenes as no one’s allowed to see My Face. That’s only supposed to happen after the St. Peter Gate interview. You all understand, I know.”
Flipping a large red toggle mounted on the rock next to the display, a large video display appeared from seemingly nowhere. It was showing the opening scene from “Ten Commandments” and God said, “Here is the very beginning of My Tablets story with Moses.
“This was before I finished chiseling the proofs of the pre-paper Bible, so some of what you will see is contrived, your inventors now call it animation. I could have done it much quicker, but I felt I had to wait through thousands of millennia while My people evolved into intelligent forms that were able to reason, think, and then invent language and writing and…well you’ve all read the history here, I am sure. Anyway, I wanted to start here at the beginning with Moses. He worked so hard back then, to Me it seems like yesterday.”
Pushing a button on the Burning World Bible Tablet He continued, “Let’s fast forward closer to today and we see here the monks of yore scribing the pages of My First Bible, My pride and joy. Notice how much care they are taking here.
“Then we move into the modern era and Gutenberg’s machines have taken over the printing and I was able to allow massive stacks of Bibles to be available. Now you see this guy Gideon who had a delivery system second to none. He was no Johnny Appleseed, but then he couldn’t cast books around like seed. They had a cost value.”
Again the smile, “Now We are at today. Sorry I took so long to get here. But what has happened? Why doesn’t anyone read My Book anymore?
“Well I found out that even though a lot of My people can read what is written on a page, they don’t have time anymore to spend reading and contemplating. Some force had taken over their time and they sadly have lost interest.
“I got a lot of static on the daily Prayer Battalion circuit about Satan and such, but I know him and he’s got other irons in the fire. Nothing to do with stopping reading at all, either. You’ll see soon enough.”
Now God began his next demo, “You all can see here that we not only do video, photos and e-reading like the rest of the –I’m sorry they have chosen to misuse this word– tablet producers, but We have the complete interactive Bible in all 270 of the written Earth languages; and the 34 types of sign language are represented as well. And even better than Amazon, I know I am not supposed to be so competitive, but Burning World Bible Tablet is better by far, there is both satellite and 5G phone service.
“I’m sure that you haven’t heard of 5G service, because I haven’t allowed anyone to discover it yet,” He said with a wry smile. “I’ve been listening in on Steve Job’s meetings now and then while I was studying a little programming. He’s a very good marketer.
“So, in the words of Steve Jobs, ‘We’ve finally been able to do it all for you.’ You all get 5G phone service, which will have over 1500 universal apps you can use on 4G until programming figures out what 5G really is.”
“And now for the best part, the price…everyone sit down and brace yourselves. The Burning World Bible Tablet is totally free!
“Hosannah! I just saw Bezos collapse, but I caught him before he hit the floor.”
God smiled beatifically and said “It is Good.”
The Burning World Bible Tablet‘s Phone rang and God answered, quietly with his inside voice. Then turning to the audience he said, “Sorry, it’s my Prayer Battalion in Alaska. I have to take this. She can be such a bitch if I don’t. You understand.”