Since their merger/buyout of the non-company AT&T Wireless, Cingular has improved it’s reputation from the “largest corner of no signal whatsoever” to that of a true player in the era of modern wireless communication. Their biggest push has been the claim of the largest free mobile-to-Mobile calling area, but with bills now rolling in, subscribers only now understand that this only refers to calls to Mobile, Alabama.

Cingular Public Relations executive Dennis R. Box says, “It’s true that some of our ads have been less than digital-quality clear, but true to toe digital nature they’re horribly compressed. We don’t offer free calling from mobile phone to mobile phone, that could cost billions no matter how seamless the network is. We offer calling for free with no limits from any Cingular mobile phone to anywhere in Mobile, Alabama.”

“What a joke,” says Dave from Akron. “My first bill was almost $500 and I never called out of network.” Dave is not alone in his dissatisfaction, nor in the reply he got from customer care upon inquiry. “The lady was all like, ‘but you didn’t call Mobile, Alabama because all those calls would have been free.”

“I don’t know anybody in the South and I don’t care to,” says Elizabeth McHue, an abundantly hot, middle-aged housewife from Portland, Oregon. “I wouldn’t have switched to this plan if I understood it, it’s just plain stupid.” On an editorial side note, Mrs. McHue refused to acknowledge any sexual advances.

SO-AND-SO AGAIN offers, “These complaints aren’t new, but the [56-page] contract every subscriber signs states clearly how billing is tabulated. If subscribers don’t agree, they shouldn’t sign it.”

Circuit Court Judge Stephen “Sodomite” Conroy seems to disagree. As a substantial shareholder in T-Mobile he ruled that Cingular’s calling plan was misleading though not explicitly illegal. His recent ruling has mandated that the free calling area be extended by over 300 square miles to include Prichard, Neely, Mertz and Forest Park.

Cingular has indicated that they will appeal this inconsequential punishment out of principal. Also, Judge Conroy now owns 1% interest in Cingluar Wireless and has two crappy children’s books available in print.